Superheroes

Last night was made up of sporadic adventures and spin-offs of the plans that had been made. The people closest to me: AH, JD, and MG made my early birthday celebration the best it could have been. I was chauffeured around  brightly lit San Clemente, back and forth from random location to the next. We split healthy sandwich wraps, overfilled at the self-serve yogurt shop, and froze our tushies off at the park. We idled away our time without a care in the world, maybe driving a little too fast for the wet weather. Nonetheless we felt free. No one said anything about it, but it was in the air. Arm wrestling matches in coffee shops, quick wardrobe changes in the parking lot, and finally going to support a local band at a nearby bar/grill. They were outstanding and although the moshing was a bit distracting and somewhat brutal, a perfect stranger offered his protection. I hid behind his back as he pushed the hurdling bodies out of the way. We danced, we laughed, took as many pictures as we could. It was pure happiness. As we went our separate ways at the end of the night, we knew we'd see each other bright and early. Our morning started at 6:30 a.m. as we sleepily drove to AH's house for a baking palooza. I made the most beautiful blueberry muffins you've ever seen in your life, and AH made Nutella cupcakes that blew minds. We then all unnecessarily made a trip to Trader Joe's for "Canadian Maple Syrup" (It had to be from Canada~ MG's lineage) The clerk laughed at the idea of four girls having to all pack into the car to get one meager bottle of syrup. We laughed. Then it was off to the monthly Breakfast Club Meeting, where the muffins and cupcakes were welcomed with open arms and gobbled down within seconds. That was probably the best part. Pretty much everyone lazing around chatting up about the night before and things to come. We lounged on the couch with strangers and close friends, snapped some pictures, ate, and laughed until we cried (at least I did.) I could never ask for more beautiful friends or a more perfect weekend. This weekend we laughed at danger in the spooky dark park "Every man for himself!!!!", jammed to live music, and spent all but six hours with the people we love. I came home with JD's sweater on, scraggly hair, and a hobo's-worth of belongings. I could change out of her sweater, take off the concert wristband, and fix myself up...but I want to wear this weekend a little longer. :) We're all super superheroes.

Swing Of Things

It's those back-to-school jitters again. School kicks itself back into gear tomorrow after this glorious four day weekend. That means I gotta kick myself back into gear. I'm avoiding a homework assignment as I blog (gasp!) This whole weekend I've been really contemplating my choices for the future. Do I want to take a year off, do I want to try and move away, do I want to go to culinary school, community college, what classes? I love weekends because it's when I get to play the piano. That's mostly what I've been doing is just playing to my heart's content. Maybe that's the reason I've decided I want to try to be a composer/music arranger. I'd have to learn to write music and probably relearn all the fancy stuff that I used to know before I quit the piano lessons. Everything else I have. The passion, the inspiration, the drive, and the love for it. I wrote an entire blog entry on opening a bakery, and now I'm talking about being a composer! I'm a little here-and-there. Who knows, maybe I'll end up opening a bakery with a grand piano that I play as I wait for the buns to come out of the oven! This week should be very pleasant, I look forward to all the plans...and my birthday celebration is a few days early! What more could I ask for? I decided to have my birthday dinner on Sunday instead of Tuesday so that my niece can join us. The other good thing is that if I get cute outfits I can wear them on Monday ;) Such a girl. I've got a photo shoot on Friday afternoon, and then we're goin' out on the town, and Saturday...Local Natives wannabe concert in the Walt Disney Concert Hall garden. (we'll have a CD player) It'll be a good time. Still just chuggin' through, getting closer and closer to  graduation.. I can't believe it! May I be a dork for a few seconds? good. Okay, I was watching Boy Meets World this afternoon and Cory explained to his little brother that "Sometimes it seems like the world is going out of it's way to make life hard, but then you have to remember that it's the same world that gave you your family and friends." Kudos Cory Matthews. Kudos. I find that so true. Sometimes I can't believe how messed up, jumbled, annoying, frustrating, and unfair the world is, so this is a good one to keep stuck in my mind. I don't plan to get all my advice from the t.v....but today was a special occasion. Happy President's Day my avid readers!! <3 xoxoxo

"Creep" and Well-Wishings

Yesterday morning I pulled up "Creep" by Radiohead up on youtube. My brother had it blasting in his car the night before and it stuck in my head like laffy taffy. I pulled it up, listened to it once through, and went to the piano. In fifteen minutes I had composed it on the piano. It wasn't long before my fingers were simply flittering across the keys sans any slip-ups or mistakes. I let it move me. I swayed. I was up with the high notes and back down with the low ones. My eyes could close (that's how I know when I've got something down.) This one I'm most proud of. I'm proud because I've found something that I can rely on being good at. Something that I have easy access to (the piano which is nestled in our small kitchen.) There are no nerves, no problems, I find peace in the movements. Almost therapeutic. Ahhhh. That was yesterday. Today marked the one week anniversary of not talking to my very best friend. We've been drifting because I've been finding myself and she's been spinning in chaos. It's one of those things where an idea you should have realized long ago hits you like a brick: we're totally different people. I'm not saying that opposites NEVER attract, but we're too young and too different now. We didn't used to be so different from each other, but as we both reach(ed) 18, our "drives" became very clear to each other and I think neither one of us can settle for the other's. I have a creative drive, one that is well-defined yet multi-faceted. I want to learn how to live, I want to play and come back to reality. I want to be well-grounded (and I think I am for my age.) She wants it all at once, she's sporadic, she thinks she knows life, she's mixed-up. I love her, and I have loved her for a long time, but how long can you stand around with your hands in your pocket and watch someone you care about make mistake after mistake after mistake? How long can you watch them let hurtful people in? How long can you explain and re-explain loving advice? It's too long. You may be thinking "One week!? That's NOTHING! People go months without seeing/talking." We used to talk every day or every other day at least. We used to make plans, send texts, be devious, go out. Then the texts became more impersonal, more awkward, less frequent, none. I do miss her, I miss the sense of humor we used to share, and I don't blame her for anything. But I think I'm growing up and maturing to the point where I can only wait around and twiddle my thumbs for so long. Boys come between us all the time. I've only ever been in one short-lived relationship, and she's been in eight more than that. Every boy has come between us, yet I came back around like clockwork. I stayed away when they called on her, I stayed near when she wanted me, and I came back around when they broke her heart. This new one is a standard guy, I won't be mean-spirited to him, though the negative part of me wants to lash out and call him my best  friend stealer. The last time we didn't talk it was only for three days or so, then I received a text explaining that things had been hectic. Not too hectic for him to be around. Just too hectic for me. Now, I won't be in the way. I move onward as she spins in dizzying circles. I move up and flourish and grow and learn about me every day. At first it hurt, and now I know it'll be okay. We let go, it's hard, but then we move onward and it's okay. I wish only good things. Maybe this is the absolute end of a friendship, or maybe it's not. Maybe she'll come around like clockwork this time.

We, The Beautiful, Talented, Artists.

There the three of us sat at a wobbly table in three mismatched chairs. slightly disturbing paintings on the wall, yet beautiful in their odd ways. My brother talked about the "babe" at Guitar Center (where we'd stopped off before the Den.) I talked about the "babe of a waiter" who was just a little too skinny, but he charmed me all the  more. We ate the grilled cheese, macaroni, potato wedges, and stale bread. A "Down Town Brown" brewsky on my brother's side of the table, water on the other. We feasted like peasants, we laughed like kings. The open mic was stormed by characters and talent. Turtle necks, too-tight pants, painted coats, aged comedy about the TSA, major talent in thick- rimmed glasses, a threesome of well rehearsed tunes, and the "white Jimmy Hendrix." We were satisfied. Here, in this humble hole-in-the-wall abode was our place. Content, relaxed, and enjoying even the stale bread. We listened to each other, we supported the out-of-tune, and we were content. My brother made a comment that "We all look like a bunch of hobos" and I felt warm in that moment. We all belonged in each other's company no matter how over sized the sweater or how woodsman-like the beard...this was here. Today I looked back and couldn't remember every detail of last night's adventure, but maybe that's okay. I basked in it last night, I soaked up the atmosphere, and I felt nearer to myself. Everything is okay in these moments. I feel sheltered in all the right ways in these moments. I sit without nervously bumping my knee up and down. Instead I tap my foot to the beat of new melodies. My favorite moment of the night was as we were getting out of my brother's car and he said "Love you guys. Thanks for coming with me." Thing is, i had asked him to take ME to the den. I had asked him to drive ME 30.99 miles to get there. and in my perpetual insecurities I figured he took me only out of being a very good brother. he is a very good brother, but he took me because he wanted to. my asking him to bring me only fueled his interest in the location. so, he thanked us for "coming with him" on the adventure to The Artist's Village. the place where i'm sure my heart is happiest. at least it is where is has been the most content thus far. 

Sweet Relaxation

I'm off until Tuesday and loving it! I plan to clean the clothes monster I call my room, and have some fun with the siblings. Tonight we venture back to the Den. My brother, sister, and myself planning to perform for the open mic. I'm completely nervous, but I think it'd be good for me to get up on stage to play the piano. I don't usually like playing for people, but I've done a cover of a cover of Radiohead's "No Surprises." Regina Spektor covered it, and loving her as I do, I've decided to base my cover off of hers. Sounds lame...but it's goood. :) The next time I go back to the Den I'll be with my jam buddy Jasmin who I've been covering Tegan and Sara with lately. We went and practiced on the Green Belt and it was amazing. We already have a fan! She was a very friendly girl names Catalina who stopped on her bike ride to "sit-in" on our session. With that feeling of awesome, Jasmin and I plan to take a week of rehearsal starting Monday night, and then hit up the Den the following Thursday. I'm actually really excited for that one, we've got "Living Room" in  our back pockets and keep chugging through the ones Jasmin can get down on guitar. With all this glorious music, trendy locations, and my birthday coming up in a couple weeks, I've admittedly put school on the...lower heat burner. I haven't completely dismissed it, but I cannot focus when I'm so close to legality and graduation. Everything around me is starting to become so appealing and it calls calls calls. I'm surrounded by adolescence contemplating which $50,000 college to go to, which internship to apply for, and which dorm buddy to request. All the while, I have been worried thinking I could never do that, and now I'm realizing that all I want is to experience life. I want to go to places with lights in the trees, drive down a winding road to a creek, fly to a different city and back. All of these things seem so much more embracing. Yes, I'm going to college, but now I realize that as long as I get to really experience life I don't need to go somewhere prestigious or well-known. I'm beginning to see the light in everything, people are beginning to see me as I am, and I'm beginning to change my state of mind.Love.

Love Day

It's Valentine's Day. I call it love day because I have so many people to love and so many people who love me. i don't have a male man to bring the kiss-sealed love letters, but I do have my girl friends who joke with me, laughs with me, and loves with me. i have my family who dances with me, laugh with/at me, and love with me. so, really it is Love Day. we're past those days of sticking store-bought cards into homemade valentine shoe boxes, which i admittedly miss. but despite not giving/receiving mini candies, a girl in my drama class said "Ah, I'm almost out of candy...(taps me on the shoulder) Hey, India...I'm gonna give you the last candy because I think you're awesome." I thought that was pretty awesome myself. I had nothing to give her in return except a smile, but the love was mutual. a boy who used to live in my neighborhood (and who I haven't talked to in years) approached me as i awaited my chariot and struck up a conversation about "the old neighborhood." It was nuts, and he's gotten cute over the years. ;) So, happy love day to the world. love. love. love. love. carry this on. 
**I took the above picture at a concert featuring the outrageously talented Tegan and Sara. 

Passing By, Au Revoir.

Today I spontaneously decided to run 3.5 miles. I had originally planned to just run my regular route, but this time I went downhill instead of straight and just kept running. I ran up the side of busy streets, crossed many cross walks, ran beneath the trees, ran next to lizards, and ran until I reached my sister's house. Even though now I'm dreadfully sore, have blisters, and a burn between my quads...the spontaneity of it was what I like. It was beautiful outside, and I ran with the day.No one knew where I was going except me. I ran to The Strokes most of the way with a few interjections by Marina and the Diamonds, Andrew Bird, and Spoons. I let gravity pull me down the hills, and fought it when it tried to pull me back while running up them . I watched strangers in cars stare at me as they passed, I watched birds hop from branch to branch in the trees, I was so aware of everything. I felt like everything wasn't passing by me, but that I was passing by everything. Control. My legs hurt, but I kept going. I could have turned around and went home when my calves began throbbing, but I didn't because I wanted to see my mom's face when I showed up at my sister's house (she was babysitting.) I wanted to know that I'm a determined person. Granted, I counteracted the exercise by eating cookies later on, but hell, I did it. I won't be able to move tomorrow, I'm sure, and I have a scheduled workout. oops. ;) Point is, I felt free, like the living. On my own, with only the beauty of the day, pain, and determination. Au Revoir Simone made a beautiful video, I watched it, and I feel like it's a good example of  "living."

No Money In a Fish Bowl

I can't talk about college with anyone. I don't have money, my mom doesn't have the money. So what? Where do I go? I need to get away from this fish bowl of a city, which becomes entirely impossible because I don't have money. Why is it that money is the main thing that gets you places? There has to be another form of freedom. Things have been good lately, I've been happy, enjoying life, and doing well in school. But whenever I bring up college to my mom, the issue isn't settled, it's unsettled. No money. Can't help you. Won't happen. Not possible. What is perfectly possible is that I could very well go insane here. I love my friends, but I need to get out of the bowl, I'm drowning here, I want to flourish. I requested info from Le Cordon Bleu in San Francisco and got a call immediately from the guidance counselor. I told my mom and: No money. Can't help you. Won't happen. Not possible. There has to be a way. My sister's college education has thrown our family back $88k, all the money seems to have gone, and though I'm happy my sister is being educated, there seems to be none left for me. Today is a drowning day, the kind that drags you down and you have to tread water to find the light. My best friend told me today that she's dropping out of community college to get her "own place." She's planning to work full-time, and resume school later on. I ragged on the idea to my mom. I said "how ridiculous! How is she going to do that!?" Problem is, that I realize I want basically the same thing. Exception being that I would go to school, obtain roommates, and have a job all at once. I could do it. Tons of people do it. All I have is a savings account that will pay for most of a community college, that's what I have. Truth is that I'm terrified. I can't imagine having to live here for another four years, I can't imagine going to a community college too close to home. I need to breath, but it's a drowning day. There isn't any money left for me to get away, but I'm not sure that will stop me. I don't want to burden my mom with another college education to fuel, but I have to talk about it without arguing with her. She believes my "moving-away" aspirations are childish and not well thought out. I think about it all the time though. I feel like crying, but I don't want that weakness because it means I'm defeated. It's a drowning day. Wake me up to the  vastness of the ocean.

Look Up At the Stars, and Make Some Cookies.

My aunt left this evening. Back to Florida paradise to return to her kindergarten class that has been missing her I'm sure. We took her to the Long Beach Airport after spending nearly 5 hours at South Coast Plaza, browsing through Crate & Barrel, Pottery Barn and Z Gallery. It was a good day, but I was exhausted despite the "Quads-shot Non-fat Mocha" from Starbucks. I think my system is immune to caffeine now. ;) I went straight from school to these shopping adventures. Usually I HATE the Crate & Barrel scene, but I took a different approach this time: I imagined picking out furniture/doo-dads for my apartment in the city. It was a tease for sure, but I can't look more forward to that experience. When I can actually pick things out and pay with my own money. *sigh* On the way home, my head leaned against the car door and make-shift pillow I crafted from my balled up sweater, I looked up at the stars which amused me the whole way. My mom and grandma in the front seats listening to NPR, and me gazing up realizing how freaking small I am. How, under these stars which look like glowing specks, we're the small specks. It's a lot to grasp, so I wasn't able to comprehend it all...that's what life is for I suppose. The toll road was dark, so it was a little easier to see all the stars, and I was awed when an airplane flew what seemed to be right up next to a star. They looked the same size, but they were million miles apart. I love this.
I'm home now, and I have a double batch of chocolate chip cookies baking for my IB Literature class tomorrow. Upon request, I fell to their requests for more cookies. My stomach is growing in front of my eyes!! 0.o So that was today! Oven is beeping. See you soon!

Honey, I'm Homemade

Today I made an apple pie. Not just an apple pie, but I made the crust from scratch, I picked a lemon from my neighbor's tree, and I hand peeled each apple with care. This is all when I decided that yes, I will open my own bakery. Future. Determined. This is what I'm good at. Waste $80,000 on trying to find myself in a big over- priced university? Nope, I'm pretty sure pastry school and some business classes will suffice for this little baker. Now, I've thought it over...I juggled journalism and baking as my top two life choices, but how fun would it be? Granted, the financial and legal matters will be a great responsibility, but I only pictured the positive so far because I can see it so vividly. Here's what will go down after pastry school and those business classes: I will hire a few people with experience who love and adore baking as much as I do. Then, I will lease a small corner shop in San Francisco (this is where it must be, says so my mind.) I will paint the walls a soothing color, put up curtains, and have two or three little tables and chairs set up inside. Now, the name of the bakery hasn't come to me yet, but I know what we'd sell. 1. PIE (all kinds. My specialties are apple, pecan, ice cream, chocolate cream, and Boston cream.) 2. COOKIES (chocolate chip, oatmeal, chocolate with peanut butter chips, chocolate chip oatmeal, oatmeal raisin, and scotcheroos) 3. CAKE (Texas sheet cake, chocolate cake, wacky cake, upside down fudge cake, carrot cake, lemon pound cake) 4. MUFFINS (you name it.) These will be the staples of the bakery, all family recipes. BUT, because I do love to experiment, I will have some different kind of pastry each week/month. Sounds good right? Of course, that little apartment I described in an earlier post will become my heaven as I try to pay it off with the money I make from my bakery. Even if I could afford a bigger place, I'd stay because me and the Italian Greyhound were content there. The bakery would be a short bike ride away. All my employees would be type B personalities so that I could keep my cool during hectic times. Everything about this idea screams FEED ME! And you know what? I think I will have a  piece of life's pie.

Poets' Den

Tonight, my brother and I will brave the open mic and open our souls to a crowd of strangers. In the "den" nestled between artist galleries and pubs, I will recite what has been secretly coveted away in my half-filled mole-skin. I'm excited despite the initial feelings of nerves. For you I will recite through type:
" Were I to ride upon a train
Heavy-backed black smoke
A photograph rubbed beneath
my thumb
Paper cut, colors the olden days
red.
Will it go fast enough?
Ticket please, pleasure ride,
love of mine.
Blurred like a dream, a mixed 
tape to fit the scene.
Up the isle-dirty carpet, clean
shoes.
Forget-me-nots from us to
you.
We crush these thinner
tracks. 
Long-winded arched backs.
Belated love letter come too
soon.
High sun in the drunken 
afternoon.
A pick-me-up, will you
pick me up?
Lost in the bustling sea of men-you spend
the wrong time waiting for me.
Back to the house, what a violent way to come-
Hurdling towards you-
Heavy-backed black smoke
I've turned you into letters
now.
Coming to you as a blistering 
joke."
**UPDATE I've found my place. This "den" inspired me in its atmosphere, the people, and the vegan BLT that I dissected and devoured. I didn't get to read, as there were 16 eager performers in front of me, but just watching, playing chess, and kickin' back with my brother was more than enough. A kind gentleman named Anthony tried to give up his slot for me so he could "hear the written word" and this flattered me and made me smile, though I gently insisted he go on ahead. We ended up exchanging names and shaking hands which made me realize there is a place outside my high school bubble where people genuinely enjoy being friendly and aren't concerned with judgements. I love it. Hello life, it's been too long.

Sodas and Ciders

My dreams are just so absurdly vivid, which I'm actually very thankful for. One of my friends is baffled by my ability to remember nearly every detail like it were real life. In the dream my mom and I argued about Killer Whales and how the trainers feed them. We were driving down PCH and I could see into the water. It was so clear, like liquefied crystal. Incidentally, as we argued about this, killer whales were swimming on the shoreline so I was just gazing at them while assuring my mom that the trainers didn't force-feed them. Suddenly, in a flash, I was walking in some small part of town sans my mom and this man ( I kid you not) who works at the Quiznos by my house was selling pretzels, cake mix, and frosting. We had a conversation and I eventually convinced him that he needed to drink a bottle of water. Those were the most vivid parts. Except, there was a man, or a boy, with a noticeable mustache who was present during the whole Quiznos banter. He was sitting in a cafe style chair listening to what I was telling the man. Anyways, this all got me thinking about something I heard while listening to NPR a while back. Someone said that while we dream everything is so normal, and it isn't until we wake up that we realize something strange. Beauty.
When I walked into the kitchen to make my coffee "before they drown us in sodas and ciders" popped into my head. I thought it was part of an Andrew Bird song, because I had been listening to "Noble Beast" on the way to the airport last night, but I typed it in, and it's not. It's another tid bit from my dream. Now I have to do something useful with that phrase, probably put it in a poem or throw it at my brother for him to use in a song. Either way,that's pretty magical I'd say. Words and phrases coming to me in sleep, only for me to remember them when I awaken to reality.
 Something that has been intriguing me is the roses that my mom bought me a week ago for my theatre performance are flourishing still. I'm not sure how long they usually last, but...they're beautiful, sitting there in the kitchen window completely open. I want to be like a rose. Open to the light that streams in, and beautiful to even the most scrutinizing of eyes.
"Tenuous at best was all he had to say 
when pressed about the rest of it, the world that is 
from proto-Sanskrit Minoans to Porto-centric Lisboans 
Greek Cypriots and and harbor-sorts who hang around in quotes a lot "

(500) Days Good Morning

I went to bed at 7:30 last night. It was one of those days where I did absolutely nothing and I figured if I stayed up any later I'd resort to eating the leftover cake in the fridge to bide the time. It was just a slow day, I'd had the day off from school, but there's nothing to complain about really. I got to walk at the Dana Point harbor with my mom, grandma, and the dogs. It was so beautiful I wish I'd had a camera with me to document the pure awesomeness that was the day. Next time! I discovered a new artist by the name of Laura Veirs, and love her already. Today holds new possibilities that I'm excited for. There's a War of Color battle today at a vacant field by my house. Basically, two-hundred kids show up with bottles of paint and we nail each others' white clothing. I believe it's boys vs. girls. This all kind of reminds me of this music video to "Who Know, Who Cares" by Local Natives. (If you don't know their stuff...get on it) I wasn't planning on going, but I missed the last one and I'd really like to get some more pictures. So, perhaps I will! Sue is coming in from Florida at 7:00 p.m. tonight, so naturally I'll be going up to the airport to pick her up! She's my favorite relative, because she's always so positive and gracious about the things I want to do in life. She's never put down any of my aspirations like so many others have. As I sit here in my green bathrobe watching (500) Days of Summer (my favorite) I open my sleepy eyes to the potential of the day. I can dress however I want, get lathered in paint, take a shower, wear lipstick, make pancakes, watch reruns of I Love Lucy, take a walk barefoot, put a flower in my hair. There are so many things I could do with today because there will never be a Saturday exactly like this one ever again. This is today. Tomorrow I may not be alive, but today I am. In this moment, I am living. I can walk into the next room to access hot water, I can open the fridge to get a glass of milk, if I get cold I can get an extra blanket. For these things I am thankful, and I will try my very hardest to pretend like they could all disappear in the blink of an eye. Today, I will listen to music and be carried away with it. I will smile for all that I am and all that is around me. I love me. I love the people around me even if it's hard sometimes, and I love that they choose to spend a day with me. Seize the day Mon Cheri's.
**  Update: I ended up going to War of Color and had a blast with my friends. Paint was relentlessly hailed through the air, it was in people's mouths, ears, and pants. I have rash-like splotches on my body in multiple colors that won't scrub off just yet. Good times in an open field.

Formally Informal

Tonight is my high school's Winter Formal, the "mini" prom of the school year. I was scolded and reprimanded by most of my friends for not going because it's "the last chance you'll have...you're a senior!" At this very moment, about five hours from the event, I'm starting to regret not going. It was just too expensive, and I really didn't find a guy who I would have LOVED to go with. I'm no fun. ;) Let's pretend I have a boyfriend real quick. Instead of getting all gussied up and laying down $130 for the tickets, I'd request maybe a dinner out at Harbor House Cafe for some blueberry pancakes. (I've been craving those!) Then maybe a movie at home, anything. BUT that's not the case...that will happen later in my life when I am with someone I love on a lazy night and have breakfast food cravings. For now, I sit on my couch listening to Imaginary Friend (He's my date tonight), anticipate the awesomeness that is my Floridian aunt flying in tomorrow, and  the feasting of Sunday's Super Bowl. Go Packers!But for those who are attending formal tonight...and reading my blog, have the most magical of evenings. Dance until your feet can't handle it, laugh like there's no tomorrow, and thank your fellas for the corsage. What really matters is that tonight there is magic in the air for everyone. Everyone is excited about things to come whether they're tonight, tomorrow, or weeks away. For example, I already know how I'm going to ask my potential date to prom...but you'll just have to wait to hear about that one! Parting words:
                         "If you ever wonder if you're always in my head I assure you it's true.
                          You don't have to worry, even when you're gone I still spend every day with you
                          You're amazing and you have me. Doesn't matter whatever comes to be
                          Even if we somehow lose our way, we'll be okay." -Imaginary Friend

For Future Reference:

So, while out on a walk with my grandma I pondered the possibilities that the future holds. I have no job, no money, and no car, BUT I have modest plans. I want a cute little apartment in the quieter part of the city (San Francisco) with a view of the park...or just trees in general. There's something so serene about looking out and seeing trees... there's always life in them. They're alive themselves. I want a crawl-space where I can walk about in socks, control the temperature, and dance to the music that makes my toes wiggle and my head bop. I want a little Italian Greyhound to trot around the wood-panelled floor and sit all pointy on the L-shaped couch. I want floral wall paper that makes it seem like Spring every day, and a quaint kitchen with barely enough room for two. This is all for starters of course. It would be nice to live in a big ol' house with a trampoline and a huge stereo built into the ceiling, but for now I am contented and calmed by my modest plan. I think a rickety bike would suffice as transportation around the city. Once I'm a journalist, or the owner of a cute corner bakery, things will flow. I wont be able to pay all the bills at once, and will probably live off of top ramen and pizza crust for awhile, but it's exciting. My mom says that I should combine my future career aspiration and write a cookbook. I don't think so. ;) Either I'd like to write columns on local bands, street fairs, newly opened bars & restaurants, or things that comfort people in all the chaos that is the world. OR I'd like to run and work in a bakery that gets props for the pecan pie bars and chocolate chip cookies. All in all, it would pay for this apartment. I'd go out whenever I was invited by the people that I love, I would scrounge for change to pay for churros and shots. I would walk arm-in-arm with a guy that would make my heart throb in joy as we walked through the brisk air on our way with friends to somewhere. Life right now, because I'm still very young and very much just dipping my big toe in the world's swimming pool, is a little slow-paced. But these plans keep me afloat. Everything is cool beans.

Heroin Pavement

I hit the ground running, dodging Nicholas Cage's one arrow. The usually always-busy uphill street that leads to my house was empty and dark. I was running so hard and so fast that my actual heartbeat woke me up. I checked my wrist where the mom from Gilmore Girls had cut me open with a razor. Nothing. It was 4:52 a.m.. Exactly eight minutes before I had to get up, and I sat there with a vague yet lingering pain on my wrist trying to decipher the dream. Robert Pattinson had lured me with all his sexiness and I ignored the odd fact that he was asking  if I had any meds on me. Come to think of it he looked pretty drugged out. I didn't notice that until I woke up. Then his group of random celebrity druggies showed up and forced drugs into me. I wasn't scared until the Gilmore Girls mom made Rob and I bleed into each other's cuts. Then, despite being threatened by Cage's arrow I got up and ran. I realized I'd never make it up that hill before they caught me, yet I just ran. Completely out of breath and hitting the pavement. I thought my heartbeat was my feet hitting the asphalt. So, weird as the dream was, I woke up impressed with myself. I think I know what it meant. Lately I've realized myself crushing on guys and being lured in by their looks. Even though there are certain warning signs about them, I ignore it because hey, they're charming and cute. Now I know. The cut wrist, bleeding into the very handsome Pattinson was a sign that I will get hurt, and that it could be potentially harmful to my health if I continue on this way. I love this. I've solved my own moralistic problem Freudian style. My brain pulled the lesson to the forefront and sprinkled it with drugged out celebrities! As the G.G. mom was about to cut me I was pulling away from her, I was stronger than her, but I let her have my wrist after only one tug. I could have yanked away, but I guess I was afraid she'd get mad and push the blade in harder. So I let her cut me. I can still feel it. Just like a real wound. Kind of the feeling I get when I let myself get carried away by these boys only to find out that they already have a girlfriend, or they aren't interested. BAM! Lesson learned. My brain is the best teacher I've ever had, even if it scares the shit out of me sometimes. Good morning.

Have You Ever Heard of Rosenberg?

Today, while taking my IB Literature final I realized that poetry pretty much couldn't be a more stunning form of writing. I had to analyze " The Wasps' Nest" by James L. Rosenberg. While I struggled with the thesis, I kept finding new things within the poem that I hadn't noticed the time before. It was kind of awesome. I kept thinking that the relationship between man and insect had never been so classically put into words. His message about thriving in life even though there are looming dangers all around us made me want to write something that would make people think like he made me think. Life. He was the power-holder, the foreboding human force that could have easily destroyed the wasp nest. Have you ever thought of something like that? How, everyday we face potential dangers yet we continue to thrive and love. Until the end of the day, when we reset ourselves so we can do it all over again. And which overcomes which? Do we acknowledge the negative possibilities of our every day lives? Or do we just keep loving as hard as we can and live (if we're lucky) to see the stars one more time.It's hard not to take advantage of the things that have been thriving around us each and every day. But when you really think about it, we're all protecting each other, checking up on each other, because somehow, deep down we all secretly know of the possibilities that every day brings. As I sit here with my dog's head in my lap, I wonder what if tonight is the last time I get to see the stars? That tonight is the last time I'll walk up my stairs to my bedroom thinking I'll see another shining day. As I assume, and hope that this is all true, I question whether I've lived as happy as I could have and if I had to burst into stardust tonight...if I'd be satisfied with myself. The answer is no. So, this blog is a journey. I'm going to live happier and live up to the kind of joyful life that should have started from day one. All of this, so that if I am swept off this earth I can smile and head for the stars. No regrets. Just love.

For Starters

So, I've decided to blog. I've written a few entries before, but now I find myself needing that legitimate touch. I'm not sure if my entries will reach anyone, and I'd only be flattered if they did, but I'm still going to be here...writing. I'm not such a good talker when it comes to expressing myself. I've found poetry, the piano, and music to be my three ways of release. I guess I can add blogging to that list now! So let's see, I'm one month away from the legal and long-awaited age of eighteen, and  I have no idea what I'm doing. All I know is that I'm putting all the pieces together right now. I'm in a good place, newly pulled out from the dark place. I've surpassed my ugly duckling days (though I have my moments), I've distanced myself from the cliques of early girlhood, and I've found a place, and people who relate to me like peanut butter relates to chocolate. We just go. Hopefully I'll have a camera in about  a month so I can prove that all the ordinary things that go on around me aren't actually all that ordinary. What else...I was inspired by a woman who my friend and I obsess over to start a blog. She put love into perspective for me through her posts. I'm addicted to them. For now, if you're out there reading, stick with me and once I feel aquainted with this whole blogging thing I'll post some of my poetry and daily experiences...maybe we can relate too?