An Education

If only I could tell tell the tales of my travels through Europe, my education at Oxford University, and how I met a group of fabulously grandeur people who showed me a life embedded with diamonds. But alas, I cannot tell those tales because they would be lies,pulled from the storyline of a movie.
All of my closest friends have been accepted to the best schools in the country, some even outside of the country. They've held their letters of acceptance high and proud, posted the good news on facebook, and modestly brought it up in conversation. They've cried and cursed over the rejections from their "tops" that were "absolutely crazy" to reject them.My support and congratulatory blessings have been unending and true, but alas, I have been accepted to what is seen as the lowest point of educational institutions...Saddleback. I haven't let the snobbery that comes from my fellow peers get to me too much. I fight for it, claiming the facts: I will save bundles of money, I will get my general ed out of the way so I can transfer confident in my college experience, and i will have found myself in age. How I wish I could afford to go off to college right after graduation. I do, I would will it if it were possible, but that's not the reality of my world. For so many of my Senior peers, their lives are going to take off as of June 22, they'll go to Boston, New York, Arizona, San Diego, San Francisco, Pennsylvania etc... I will remain here, loving the simplicity of my "beginners" college life. I have to love it, and i think it's like that thing they say: The more you smile, the more likely it is that you'll actually feel happy.
I've congratulated people who have put me down in the greatest ways, hoping that they'll somehow understand that things don't change, people aren't made better, and people aren't made smarter by putting those around them down. I'm so excited for the future. I feel this essence of excitement and terrifying newness all around me. today I felt like crying over it for the first time. Reading over the news feed on facebook, I realized how many people are going away, somewhere else. People who say good morning to me every morning, people who text me to see where I am, people who sit next to me in class...they'll be gone. And I'm so proud of these people, so proud to be in their company. So proud that my friends are so bright and that they are going places they never imagined. One of my closest friends promised she'd help me to get to San Francisco, even though she'll probably move to Boston for school. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of love for her, because she's the only one who's promised me she'd help me get somewhere. Even  if it isn't so, her willingness to pull me out of my small fish bowl of a beach city was touching. I will move to San Francisco someday...and buy that little apartment with the Italian Greyhound. I'll attend SFSU and live independently a life that is all my own.

To Die By The Moon

Apparently there is to be this incredible occurrence with the moon on the 19th. It'll only be some 200,000 miles away from the earth (and full no less.) This could cause natural disasters due to the way the moon controls the tides, especially when its in full. In a way, I pray to not find myself and all around me in the midst of a natural disaster in five days; right after the tremendous tragedy in Japan, but in another way...if I had to die, I think dying by the will of the moon would be a romantic way to go. We'd get so close to its vast surface, and it would pull the water in ominous ways. I also always say that having to go through, live through, or die by a tidal wave would be the worst way to go, but let's say it won't cause anything like that to happen. Hell, let's say that all that will happen is that the moon will be the brightest and fullest it's ever been, and we'd all die from the awe that has taken over. Romantic, non? I mean, I probably sound ridiculous and paranoid, but honestly...to die by the moon. Just the moon...not the potential terrifying waves she could bring, just the moon. I don't know, I'm probably writing this at the most inappropriate time, but I was intrigued by the story. So, having said all this I decided about fifteen minutes ago that for the next five days I'm going to live like I'll be dying by the moon. I'm going to live for me, and the ones I love. I'm going to smile at others even if I know they won't smile back, and I'm going to love as much as I possibly can. I hope to clear all the negativity from my mind, all the paranoia of being judged by others, and just live. Until then, everyday will be a dress-up day. I won't "save" outfits (this peculiar thing I do where I save the cutest outfits for certain days when I know I'll see certain people) I'll just wear what I want when I want because I want to. Right now I feel good about life. I'm under an immense amount of scholastic stress, but that kind of stuff doesn't seem to matter as much when it's matched up next to what people in Japan are stressed about. It's all a matter of significance isn't it? Even if it is hundreds of miles across the Pacific. Not to say that I'm going to drop everything and flunk out because silly tests and essays aren't important, I'm just going to value the good moments and get through those that aren't the most exhilarating. Keep praying for those in Japan and for those who have less than you. (there's always someone less fortunate) Keep living, and if this is our last week before the moon sweeps down and "awes" us to death, then really keep living and loving.

S(weeping) Sea

Today's unfortunate events concerning Japan, Hawaii, and Northern California were enough to make me realize how life needs to be approached. Today, people lived their last morning, ate their last breakfast, and unknowingly walked out their front door for the last time. They said hello and goodbye at the same time without even knowing it. I take life for advantage everyday, because I figure that nothing bad will ever happen, because I've been safe and sound thus far. Stupid huh? There's no guarantee to anything, life isn't a formula that can be planned out and solved with careful reasoning. Everyday I get up, eat breakfast, get dressed, and head out the door ready for the day. I worry about stupid things and complain about ridiculous subjects. I listen to stories of gossip about who talked about who at school today, and who's driving what. But what about life? Who's really living in the now? I want to know, I want to learn to do that. Sometimes I find myself in the perfect 10 moment worrying about what comes next when it's over. Then, I tell myself to just be there because the moment will end, and i want to remember it for what it was and not what I was thinking. There is no perfect way to be, there's just a good way to go about things. My thoughts are with those who lost their lives to the sweeping seas and to those who lost their loved ones. I can only hope that they left the earth with some sort of satisfaction with their lives, and if they didn't, that they find it wherever they get away to. Today was definitely a day of realization, not just about life in general, but about myself:

For whatever bizarre reason beyond my girlish control, I've liked the same guy for two years, and have made effort after effort (even been politely rejected by him) to make him see that I'm worth his time. I've gone back and forth between unsuccessful one-sided crushes, but always came back around like clock-work to him. (Knowing full-well that he was only interested in the friends zone) And today it hit me like a brick wall: I'm worth so much more, and the time I've put in compared to not getting much back is not worth me agonizing over anymore. Someday there will be someone who will gladly take my intentions and run with me in tow. I don't know why it took me so long, but suddenly today I was no longer nervous around him, I didn't care about what he thought about me, and I knew I had mentally moved forward. It's kind of a relief. I'm three months short of graduating, and i feel like at this point I don't want to waste anymore of myself for something that isn't meant to be. I want to stop taking it personally and just accept that he's waiting just like me for the right someone. I'm willing to be just friends now, or to at least  realize what he already had. I know that I'm a good, funny, kind, intelligent, witty person and I don't want to have to stamp it on my forehead for a guy to get the point. He's a gentleman, and I like that about him. BUT there are other gentlemen out there. I can only be positive at this point, for me and for the other girls (including my friends) who feel like if the guy of their dreams hasn't stepped in now that he never will. He will ladies. I think we all need to stop searching and spending time worrying about it and more time living. More time laughing, playing, accomplishing, reaching, loving, and doing. Because if we had to leave this world today, I think there's should be something to be said for what we've done, or what we loved about how we lived. I know there are things I want to do, and changes I need to make before I can say I'd be willing to leave this earth if I had to. So, consider this an invitation to start realizing what you have and what you want (not materialistically) and if you already have, then keep reaching for the stars and kiss the moon.

Gratitude

I went to a party today for a friend and enjoyed myself thoroughly, basking in my usual awkward state. My friends flitted around me, we sat on each others' laps, stuffed our faces, made jokes, and crept around the house.   It was the greatest oxymoron: feeling alone in a sea of people. I love my friends to the moon and back. We respect each other, make fun of each other (and ourselves), and know how to be ourselves around one another. Still, I can't shake the notion that I am simply one of those people who feels most comfortable writing in her notebook, sitting at the piano, or curling up on the floor in her room with blasting music. I tend to be extremely sensitive to the moods of people around me, and being a high school teenager, I'm always worried about the judgements people are/aren't making about me. At this party I tried keeping up with everyone around me, they were excitedly rushing up to a different person starting conversation, and all the while I was trying to keep my eye out for a boy I recently started to fancy (therefore concerning myself with my appearance) Nonetheless, it was fun, it was fleeting, but it was fun. I felt like that piece of the puzzle that you're sure fits in this one space, but it just won't go into place. You press it in with your thumb, you turn it this way and that, never giving in to the fact that it simply may not fit there. I kinda know I don't fit in with all the people there, I know the people I love and the people I'd rather avoid, but I'm still there. My presence mattered to someone, even if they didn't say so. I know it did because there were people there who's presence was much needed by me. I don't know how to make conversation with people I'm not quite familiar with...or attractive people at that. I'm awkward as hell, and I've tried to change it so that I can be some kinda socialite with all the right things to say, but it only made matters worse. So, here I am. I'm awkward, I know that I am. I love meeting new people, I love not being focused on just me,  and I miss, truly and dearly, the old fashioned introduction. Why is it that people don't walk up, hand held out, and say "Hi, I'm _______ I think I've seen you around before" anymore? I force myself to be that person once I climb over the slick awkward wall and grow some balls. I wish that's what people did instead of "friending" me on facebook and assuming that it means we have been introduced. Ahhh, the old days. Yeah, like I know "the old days," but there was a time people...there was a time. Good Day.

My Blood Is Your Blood

I'm officially an adult and legal citizen!! I can drink in Europe, order products from infomercials, smoke (though I do not), but lottery tickets...and much more! My friends pretty much made my birthday last for an entire weekend and then celebrated with me on the actual day. I've never loved a group of friends as much as I love this group of friends. <3 On another note, I sporadically donated blood today at school. Save three lives..why not? I hadn't planned on it, but then realized that I was selfish for not signing up earlier. I have blood to spare, and my one life probably isn't greater than three. Also, being eighteen allowed me to be sporadic. Any younger and I would have needed a signed note from my mom or a doctor, which I didn't happen to have on me. ;) I went in, signed up, and started shaking like no other. The finger prick hurt like a mother, and then the fact that it took five minutes to find my vein was no joy ride either. BUT eventually the needle went in, and I was feeling good. Then, the nausea set in and I had to try to hold down my cold cereal. For ten minutes I sat there with my blood draining out, and when it was over...I stood up all dizzy and was escorted to the yoga mats to chill. I was given a nutrigrain bar and a time stamp. A girl convinced me to sign up for the bone marrow donors list...so I'd say it was a pretty good day for saving lives. Unfortunately, I am still recovering because incidentally, donating blood when you're about to come down with some kind of headache/sore throat sickness isn't the best way to go. All is well, and all will be well. I've been lazin' around the house with my new book The Art of Losing  I'm lovin' it so far. That's all I have to say for now...and to you my followers...donate whenever you get the opportunity because saving lives=good stuff.
<3