Gratitude

I went to a party today for a friend and enjoyed myself thoroughly, basking in my usual awkward state. My friends flitted around me, we sat on each others' laps, stuffed our faces, made jokes, and crept around the house.   It was the greatest oxymoron: feeling alone in a sea of people. I love my friends to the moon and back. We respect each other, make fun of each other (and ourselves), and know how to be ourselves around one another. Still, I can't shake the notion that I am simply one of those people who feels most comfortable writing in her notebook, sitting at the piano, or curling up on the floor in her room with blasting music. I tend to be extremely sensitive to the moods of people around me, and being a high school teenager, I'm always worried about the judgements people are/aren't making about me. At this party I tried keeping up with everyone around me, they were excitedly rushing up to a different person starting conversation, and all the while I was trying to keep my eye out for a boy I recently started to fancy (therefore concerning myself with my appearance) Nonetheless, it was fun, it was fleeting, but it was fun. I felt like that piece of the puzzle that you're sure fits in this one space, but it just won't go into place. You press it in with your thumb, you turn it this way and that, never giving in to the fact that it simply may not fit there. I kinda know I don't fit in with all the people there, I know the people I love and the people I'd rather avoid, but I'm still there. My presence mattered to someone, even if they didn't say so. I know it did because there were people there who's presence was much needed by me. I don't know how to make conversation with people I'm not quite familiar with...or attractive people at that. I'm awkward as hell, and I've tried to change it so that I can be some kinda socialite with all the right things to say, but it only made matters worse. So, here I am. I'm awkward, I know that I am. I love meeting new people, I love not being focused on just me,  and I miss, truly and dearly, the old fashioned introduction. Why is it that people don't walk up, hand held out, and say "Hi, I'm _______ I think I've seen you around before" anymore? I force myself to be that person once I climb over the slick awkward wall and grow some balls. I wish that's what people did instead of "friending" me on facebook and assuming that it means we have been introduced. Ahhh, the old days. Yeah, like I know "the old days," but there was a time people...there was a time. Good Day.