Today's unfortunate events concerning Japan, Hawaii, and Northern California were enough to make me realize how life needs to be approached. Today, people lived their last morning, ate their last breakfast, and unknowingly walked out their front door for the last time. They said hello and goodbye at the same time without even knowing it. I take life for advantage everyday, because I figure that nothing bad will ever happen, because I've been safe and sound thus far. Stupid huh? There's no guarantee to anything, life isn't a formula that can be planned out and solved with careful reasoning. Everyday I get up, eat breakfast, get dressed, and head out the door ready for the day. I worry about stupid things and complain about ridiculous subjects. I listen to stories of gossip about who talked about who at school today, and who's driving what. But what about life? Who's really living in the now? I want to know, I want to learn to do that. Sometimes I find myself in the perfect 10 moment worrying about what comes next when it's over. Then, I tell myself to just be there because the moment will end, and i want to remember it for what it was and not what I was thinking. There is no perfect way to be, there's just a good way to go about things. My thoughts are with those who lost their lives to the sweeping seas and to those who lost their loved ones. I can only hope that they left the earth with some sort of satisfaction with their lives, and if they didn't, that they find it wherever they get away to. Today was definitely a day of realization, not just about life in general, but about myself:
For whatever bizarre reason beyond my girlish control, I've liked the same guy for two years, and have made effort after effort (even been politely rejected by him) to make him see that I'm worth his time. I've gone back and forth between unsuccessful one-sided crushes, but always came back around like clock-work to him. (Knowing full-well that he was only interested in the friends zone) And today it hit me like a brick wall: I'm worth so much more, and the time I've put in compared to not getting much back is not worth me agonizing over anymore. Someday there will be someone who will gladly take my intentions and run with me in tow. I don't know why it took me so long, but suddenly today I was no longer nervous around him, I didn't care about what he thought about me, and I knew I had mentally moved forward. It's kind of a relief. I'm three months short of graduating, and i feel like at this point I don't want to waste anymore of myself for something that isn't meant to be. I want to stop taking it personally and just accept that he's waiting just like me for the right someone. I'm willing to be just friends now, or to at least realize what he already had. I know that I'm a good, funny, kind, intelligent, witty person and I don't want to have to stamp it on my forehead for a guy to get the point. He's a gentleman, and I like that about him. BUT there are other gentlemen out there. I can only be positive at this point, for me and for the other girls (including my friends) who feel like if the guy of their dreams hasn't stepped in now that he never will. He will ladies. I think we all need to stop searching and spending time worrying about it and more time living. More time laughing, playing, accomplishing, reaching, loving, and doing. Because if we had to leave this world today, I think there's should be something to be said for what we've done, or what we loved about how we lived. I know there are things I want to do, and changes I need to make before I can say I'd be willing to leave this earth if I had to. So, consider this an invitation to start realizing what you have and what you want (not materialistically) and if you already have, then keep reaching for the stars and kiss the moon.
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