you read, you feel, you understand, you listen.

in the works...and to be continued.

hard road

It's really nice to meet ya, but I'm gonna have to leave ya, it's the hard road.

Such a perfect place and I start to miss your face, on this hard road (mmmmhmm)

**It's really sad to meet ya, cuz I know I'll have to leave ya on this hard road

Had to let you go when I thought I saw your ghost on this hard road that we take.

You really had me going even when we were both knowing of this hard road (it calls my name)

Above the ones we've taken, I think we were mistaken when we were so close.

**It's really sad to meet ya, cuz I know I'll have to leave ya on this hard road that we take.

Every moment further, I knew you had to have heard her on this hard road (she screams)

a little Bird told me...

basically, if my life could be run by any one musician/album, it'd have to be good ol' Andrew Bird. His music brings back memories that haven't even happened yet. I can say that he is a visionary for others, meaning he writes, composes, and plays music that will feel nostalgic and inspire the brains out of people. here I am, listening to "Masterswarm" at the moment and eating dried seaweed. That is one of the simplest pleasures my life holds. Each song could easily embrace a "perfect 10" moment or lift you out of bed in the morning. (I highly recommend that strategy) In the case that my life was entirely derived from his genius, I'd probably live in Paris amongst the poppies. I'd shop at the farmers market in sync with "The Privateers" and meet my true love to the tune of "Anonanimal". This all of course, in between a fresh loaf of bread and bicycling just about wherever the music led me.
What's your driving artist/album?

friends under beneficial circumstances.

I'm sitting in the side parking lot of Bed Bath & Beyond after having watched "Friends With Benefits", just sitting there with the windows down. I was in that post-hypnotic phase after seeing a movie and just needing to dwell on it.  I thought about the plot of the movie ( girl meets boy, girl and boy become friends who both happen to be horny, girl and boy become friends with benefits, and I won't give the rest away). I thought about Mila Kunis's tiny body that looked better in lingerie than it did in clothes and Justin Timberlake's respectful yet aroused behaviour throughout (not to mention his finely sculpted body).I'm literally just sitting in the parking lot thinking about these things. I related to Mila's character. All she ever really wanted was a fairytale prince charming and all she ever got was the settled-for average and typical relationship, but she never let go of the glass slipper. She dished out her feelings to men about how "damaged" she was from that idea of the happily ever after and how it came close to nothing every time, which I found to be a bit daunting compared to what should be talked about on a first date. She was so lively though, so completely herself and cussed like a sailor without giving a shit as to who was listening. She didn't smoke, or sleep around (with random guys), she was successful, fun, and beautiful. I think so far, her character, though presented in a quirky storyline, has been the most real character I've seen in a long time. After thinking in that parking lot for close to an hour ( I needed "me" time anyways), the idea of friends with benefits didn't seem so crass to me after all. I've always looked down on it thinking it to be classless and a waste of time, but honestly, I feel like a friendship like the one they had was so much fun. It was so sporadic and messy, flirty, and understanding.
There is no perfect man and quite frankly I'm so tired of searching the corners of this place to find him, I'm tired of yearning for the warm embrace of some serious love. Damn straight, I still look forward to getting married and hell no I don't ever want to be a slut, but I've been able to tarnish the idea of true love over the course of my eighteen years because I've been trying so hard to be noticed and appreciated by the opposite sex (to no avail). I'm not throwing the towel in, but you could say that I'm starting to believe in her words. It's silly that I'm leaving my "love" decisions up to movie characters, but I'm not really. They're just confirming what I already knew. I want to have fun. I want to make good guy friends in college that treat me like an equal and not a silly girl with curls, or a cursing machine (it's just part of my vernacular.) I want to be as comfortable with myself as Mila was and as sure as Summer. This is not to say that I'm giving up on a prince charming, I expect no less as far as personality and class. I don't want to just be someones option, or lack there of. I'm asking for more, but until that day comes when I meet Mr. Right, I think I'll settle for fun and the opportunity to get to know myself so I can eventually feel right about sharing it with someone. Adieu.

"If being crazy means living life as if it matters, then I don't mind being completely insane."
-April Wheeler (Revolutionary Road)

leather let go

I wish I could put on a brave face and declare that all is well in change, but I can't. There's too much happening and strings being pulled in a thousand different directions attached to feelings that evoke strong emotions within me. Last night I thought of the airport, being there amongst friends and bidding them adieu. I put my arms around their necks and squeezed tight as everything funny, memorable, happy, and care-free drained from me like water down the sink. It's too close now, at an uncomfortable standing-point it glares with intense eagerness as the days flip themselves over to the next. I realize that they are the sturdy masts that hold me up when I can't turn to family for comfort and ease. I get frustrated with familiar relationships when they don't stand tall like my friends because now there are impossible expectations that I have unconsciously built a wall with. I'm not sure anyone new to me will be able to breach the perimeter of that wall either. I look at my mother and beg her for help the very few times I ask for it and if she doesn't respond with that mysterious manner that I have grown so used to, my frustrations get the best of me and we're right back on that teetering 4X4 that has restlessly awaited conflict.
As I walked around a small part of my new campus yesterday in the heat all I could see were unfamiliar red faces, glistening with sweat. There was no comfort there, no recognition or emotion. Blank faces with wandering eyes that would sweep like rolling marbles across my face which reflected everything small and lost. They say that you meet your life-long friends in college and that they are strong relationships that have been molded by the maturity of adulthood, but if I could go against the mold and ask for one thing, it'd be to keep the friends I have and go through life with them. I plan to make friends in college and to hopefully bond with people who are as real as I can find, but the leather twined around my left wrist forgoes all of that and keeps me tied together with those who share its meaning.

Suit Yourself

It's that feeling of independence that I love to breath in. Slowly, but surely I have been slipping from beneath the radar of parental dependence. Perhaps not long ago I would have let my meager severance go to new clothes (because if there's one thing I love, it's a well put together outfit), or for a ticket to Disneyland. (You never grow up there.) However, since the birth of my Mazda 3, a sense of responsibility was also born. Like a great big tree, more branches stemmed and now I buy my own groceries. Most of you are probably saying "pish posh, I buy groceries for me and my 6 kids AND pay for their gas and registration." My highest praise is being sent to you via cyber space (seriously, kudos). I just feel as if I've taken a weight off of my mom's shoulders, like she now has someone paying room and board even though I'm really not paying for my room. Between her emptying accounts for my sister's college education and paying for life I felt as if there had to be a time and place for me to grow up. SO:
I went to good ol' Trader Joes this morning and bought my "needs". I got everything healthy and scrumptious like rice crackers and guacamole, wheat-free waffles, dried seaweed, and more. It felt damn good to take care of myself without mother in tow with the cart.

you got it dude

This is a wonderful day starter. look at this girl, she was in the right place at the right time when this punch red dress called out her name. I see her gliding through the store, her eyes tracing the same old summer selection when this little number peeked out from a corner rack. She knew it had to be hers. How confident she must feel stepping out into the world in this dress, how flawless and beautiful it would feel. She's got the very right idea of mismatched bracelets, a simple necklace, and nude sandals. Nothing pulls the eye from the center piece and that's perfection right there. Again, you can find inspiring day staters over with this guy. Have a good one.

buy buy buy!

I know what I want to do. I have 0 idea of how to get it, but it came to me just now and I think it's a swell idea. Here's the setup:
I went shopping with my dear mama the other day with gift cards a'blazin. Naturally, I drifted towards my favorite store with specific "necessities" in mind and every intention of stretching my $20 as far as it would go. Here's the thing: stores obviously go through "seasons" or...style seasons rather, and what I found was disappointing. Tribal prints are rampant. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a fun print every now and again, but this was insane. There was no where to turn but tribal and my head was spinning with zigzags, stripes, and geometrical shapes! The colors were ranging from cream to blood stain red...and that's it. The in-betweeners were somewhere between plum purple and wheat grass green. As I walked around the store straining my eyes to find that "it" item i realized that despite the attempt at a themed style season, the "theme" meshed with other themes, which confused my brain, and made me jump between retro 1950's school girl-style dresses and tribal printed rompers. Ay!
SO here's what I have decided to settle in with: I will be a buyer for department stores (ie Nordstroms, Forever 21, H&M, Old Navy etc..) because there are too many a'times where I've walked into a store and literally thought W.T.F. There should be some sort of option for individuality so that we don't have six thousand Pocahontas' in rompers wedgie-ing about the street. Now, I'm not "Miss Style USA" over here, but I have an eye for it. I have ideas about what people would like to see and what items stores just shouldn't even bother with like mustard yellow and brown color combinations hanging loosely off a hanger. Just sayin'. My future endeavour as many of my fellow acquaintances wrote in my yearbook, will be to buy for department stores. There you have it boys and girls.

Living With a Hipster

Okay, I think I've forgotten to write about the fact that I'm living with a hipster. My brother. At first, I overlooked the fact and thought it was kinda cool. He pulls off the look, reads interesting books, and can go with or without a beard just the same. Here's the thing: HE HAS AN OPINION ABOUT EVERYTHING AND THINKS EVERYTHING IS A CONSPIRACY. Our family can't get through a t.v. show, let alone a commercial without him blurting something out about how the subliminal messages are screwing with our brain chemistry and the government is trying to breed a new sub-species of t.v. loving and obsessed zombies. It's really annoying. Now, I don't watch a lot of t.v., but occassionally I like to see one of my favorite actors on Regis & Kelly or watch a cooking show without the constant hipster reminder that it's not chocolate cake Paula Dean is cooking...it's a chocolately batch of conspiracy, and the oven representsthe government officials' product of society...and YOU are the cake. Here's the other thing: I cannot have a calm discussion with him because it ends up in one of these three directions:
1. the government
2. money
3. evil-doers (which coincides with all of the above)
Him and my mom get in..."conversations" about things all the time which elevate to arguments within the first five seconds, and I side with niether. There's no siding with a hipster because as soon as you do, they change their view and before you know it, they're battling against you all over again. That, or they won't acknowledge you at all, making you feel stupid.
Also, people can do no good. There is no specified amount of "good" that anyone can do, therefore there's an endless circle of no gooders out there trying to do no good. get it? Kiera Sedwick (or whatever, Kevin Bacon's wife) was on Regis and Kelly this morning. She got her cast and crew from "The Closer" to donate a U-Haul truck full of helpful shit to a disaster struck country within the U.S. This is good non? Not to my hipster brother. This is him: "Did you see that picture?! Only the front of the truck was full of shit! If I had that many dollars, I'd fill TEN TRUCCCKKKKSSSSSSS!!!" Yeah. I love my brother, I really do, however, he should think about toning down the hipster in the home. No one can be or do anything without passing the hipster evaluation (we still do what we want), so I guess I should call it "The Hipster Ridicule". I appreciate him sharing his cool sweaters from our local thrift stores with me, I appreciate the cool places he takes us, and the music he reccommends, but my lesson to you is: Don't watch T.V or get into politics with a hipster. How are you?

Oh, Getty Me to L.A.

I'm not sure if it was the brisk air that sent goosebumps up my arm, or the sheer fact that the energy in the air was tangible. It was the Getty. Not only had we waited in a highway line for over an hour, but we had also waited in a tram line to see it, and there it was. I knew it was something special when it looked beautiful from far away on top of a hill, glazed by the sun's reflection. To be quite honest, I wasn't there for the free concert (Best Coast), I was there to see for myself something I'd assumed would be one of those top ten list makers. It was more. Being the hopeless romantic that i secretly am, I couldn't stop imagining meeting the love of my life in the garden, or in front of the giant picture of the pinching beetle. Long story short, it was a day to remember and the view was breathtaking. Oh, L.A. why have you been so shy? Why is it that now, in the wake of eighteen years, i am just getting to know you? You are tall, beautiful, and hazy. I love you.

I dream of travel

I have fallen in love with the Sartorialist, though I must admit, I'm a little late on that bandwagon. It's somewhat of a new discovery that I made through fellow bloggers and I can't get enough. It's one of those "priorities" that has consumed my routined thinking. As soon as i get on the computer, I check up on it. There's always a new picture and boy, do I love the pictures. I've written about a couple of them before..."Sit and Knit" anyone? However, it seems like a whimsical dream world where this talented man is taking picture after picture of these beaaaautiful people. Okay, so they're in New York, Milan, Paris, Italy, but SERIOUSLY, what magical doorway in New York, Milan, Paris, or Italy is this guy walking through? I.Want.In. He's a master photographer, seemingly being in the right place at the right time all the time. Sometimes I wonder if moving to one of these places would somehow transform me into these walking fashion closets. These people who start trends (ie cargo pants and sports jackets), rolled up pants and oxfords etc...these people are beautiful. I can definitely say that I'm an urban girl born small-town.

getting a life

Sometimes I creep myself out. I find myself immersed in other people's lives, only it's people I don't know...people I wish I knew. I see the simplicity coated in the warm, pure, and magical embrace of life with no indication of unrealistic expectations. It's all there, everything that these people do (and I speak mainly from perusing through photographs) are all things that people should do. For a moment in time I forget about the people who give humanity a bad name and the somewhat...hollow people who cruise through this beach city I call home. I draw inspiration from the creativity that stems from a lifestyle of spontaneity and well-being. I want to be just as satisfied with a walk down a country high-way in the heat of the day, or a stroll through an air conditioned grocery store with nothing in mind to buy. I find comfort in the fact that the things I want most don't consist of the materialistic,but instead, are made up of feelings and the need to be happy, the need for adventure, people, places, inspirations, love, simplicity, and spontaneity. There's so much time ahead and  the times I've spent cooped up and trapped within myself will be refunded, if you will, with the new. I'm dreading the month of August, because the people who have made up my present state of contentedness will go off to college, thus, we will all simultaneously upset the balance that has been created over the course of a year and a half. However, there was once a point when I realized that things like the dreaded month of August will have to come and go in order for me and the others to reach their lifestyle of choice; so that we may sift through relationships, gain and lose opportunities, and shape our own realities with new matured perspectives. Really, all I'm doing is rooting for life. If I can't live along the lines of the strangers I look up to, then at least I have more of an opportunity to be completely original.