She Is...

I. I've been cleaning. I feel like my "clean" is actually most people's dirty, but my theory is that if I clean too much then it will be a bigger disappointment when I dirty the joint again. ( Mind you, it's just clothes, loose change, socks, and price tags.)

II. I watched "Blue Valentine" over the course of three days because most of the scenes would make me feel extremely awkward if anyone else was home. It's a solid film, I love Williams and Gosling together-especially when they were happy. 

III. I'm making a lot of plans: I'm moving. I'm pretty sure it's official and I'm meeting with my future roomy tomorrow for coffee. YIPPEE!

IV. I didn't sleep all night because there was too much anxiety eating away at my brain and muscles. Do I sell my car? Will my mom actually let me go? Do I bring the cat with me? Can I even afford this? What if I can't find a job? What about school? What if school and work are too difficult to configure with one another! What if I literally have no money and have to move back home? What if we get robbed? Where will I park my car? Will it cost money? Will my mom hate the location we pick? What if they move in together and I'm left without a roommate? 

This lasted until 4:30 in the morning when I finally took my headphones out and went downstairs to finish "Blue Valentine". 

V. I'm really worried about money right now- and Africa. I may have to delay the trip in order to move and I feel like I won't have enough money to do anything!! AHhhhh!

VI. I'm super super excited despite all my bitching. Everything feels like it has sped up and is moving with incredible force. 

VII. I packed up another bag of clothes to give away..I think that makes this the seventh bag in total. 

VIII. I got my haircut yesterday. I'm in the phase of not knowing how I feel about it, but then I remember it really doesn't matter. 

IX . School scares me. Bills scare me. Selling my car scares me. 

X. I can't decide which of my anxieties are normal and which are just plain crazy.

XI. Everything seems doable right now, but I have this paranoid feeling that it'll all be taken away by my mom. (WHY?)

XII. I can't wait to have a quiet apartment where birds aren't squawking 24/7

XIII. Everything is going to be fine. everythingisgoingtobefine everythingisgoingtobefine everythingisgoingtobefine.