Before

My fear of being in a relationship, was always in that I wasn't comfortable with the idea of "belonging" to someone else. I didn't want to be responsible for having to care about another person just because we had sex or because that's what a relationship required by social standards. I always wanted a man, not a boy, someone that would understand my walls and why I had built them instead of focusing on tearing them down and being the Greek hero he had always fantasized of being. I didn't feel comfortable with the notion of having labels. You are my ________ and I am your ___________. I didn't want to become dependent on someone because my emotions and feelings were stronger than I was. It's nature taking over, and that scared me.
Within the two months that I've been with my boyfriend, I've come full circle and have watched myself change my ideals about relationships. Biased much? But really, I asked him yesterday to get me something...a ring, to solidify the notion that I belong to him. I used that word, "belonged", which used to feel like acid on my tongue. I didn't care how expensive, shiny, glitzy, or big it was, I just wanted something to have to reassure myself that this happiness does exist. Sort of like in "Inception", how each character who delves into the other side has their piece, something to keep them grounded in reality. That's what I wanted. I find myself thinking ahead about a future and saying "we" a lot instead of singular pronouns. I think about having kids a lot. (DISCLAIMER: I will not be having a baby anytime soon) But, I do think about it...in the future. I used to NEVER want kids. I mean, I was adamant about it. I didn't used to like them. I now find myself being suckered into their cute little worlds every time I see one at a restaurant, bookstore, cafe, etc..
I think about what we'll do on holidays (his family or mine?) I think about wanting to make him happy and I get angry when he doesn't live up to his own expectations. All I want is to belong. To have the freedom to be myself, yet, to belong to him. I want him to make me feel safe, secure, and wanted as much as possible. I want to know he'll be there and I want to make him happy. I want other people to know I'm "taken" and I want him to feel the same way. Today, as we walked around downtown at an art fair, we wandered into a beachy shop and together we picked out a ring for me to wear. Not at all expensive, but a simple surgical steel ring with a "diamond" in the center. It's just right. I'm just right. Everything is just right.