Fix

In some small way it eats at me. Little things with big potential, tiny marks that crease themselves into my soft brain and into the pale parts of my skin. It's a hatred for hating, and a disturbing inability to snap out of it and tell people what's wrong. I don't know what's wrong. I'd like to pay someone else to tell me so that I won't have to work so hard to pretend to care. Sometimes I get instantly pissed off for things that should be silly and make me laugh. I turn my back and squint my eyes shut just so you won't bother me. I hate that I get so upset, but i can't help it. I can't exhaust myself with the same explanations, words, "I'm fine"s, and quiet lip biting. I just want you to see sometimes. To see and to fix things , not to just see. I want a fix. I want a fix like a fucking cigarette and a bottle of rum. I want to be let out of the car and go home or I want you between my legs with passionate vengeance. I don't want to go out all the time anymore. That's something I used to do throughout high school, it's just not that way anymore. Sometimes I just want to sit in silence and think about things. Then again, once I get out I feel a lot better about things so I guess it's a matter or laziness now. I don't like that sometimes I hurt myself just to make myself feel something that is real and not the typical drone and drag of a long day with a million apologies from you and nothing to do. I hate that I try so hard to be happy and that it's way too easy for me to be sad about nothing in particular. Sometimes I have a really nice day, like today, and then things crash so quickly that my brain cells suffocate themselves just to shut out the ensuing pain. Sometimes all I want is you, you, you, and you. And sometimes I just want to pick up something with an edge and cut into myself like a ripe peach. I go in and out so quickly and rely heavily on the good things to pull me out with a desperate grasp out of the slump that is my darkening mind. I love you to the ends of my hair and the tips of my toes, but sometimes I can't explain and I just need you to fix it for me.