Can I vent and be petty for a moment here before continuing the list tomorrow?? Okay: I vent.
Picture it: I get home from math class- where I also partook in a math test. That's not the worst part. I get home to see my mom who gently and kindly tells me that she has begun "fixing my room." I was surprised seeing as my room is a complete disaster area and usually, her entering the realm of India, would send her into a kanipchen fit. So, I relaxed, I rested on the couch, despite her asking me to please go up and "organize things" and that she had "put my clothes by the sliding glass door" because she "assumed they were dirty". After watching the latter half of Jennifer Lopez in "Enough" and taking a nap, I took two large trash bags with me to my room. Here's what it looked like:
Two large men with ski masks had ransacked my room and used sledge hammers to knock everything around in a maddened circle of thievery. In my head I was like Eddie Murphy in this clip:
It was NOT "fixing" my mother had done. My clothes, my clean clothes, were spilled out onto my dampened outside balcony in heaps. bras, underwear, shirts, socks, sweaters, jeans, WHITE LINENS, you name it! They were all cold and dampened in a sad newly soiled heap! I lost my shit, ladies and gentlemen. I lost.my.shit. I yelled like a fourteen year old down the stair at my mother trying to avoid curse words WHAT THE #$-WHO THE!!!?>??#$ WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU %$- WHO DOES THIS!!!!?????
My mom tried defending herself, but I could hear it in her voice that she knew what she had done was low. Entering another woman's room and completely trashing it, despite any good intentions (I suspect there aren't any) doing this is a TERRIBLE idea. Personal journals and diaries were mixed in a drawer with loads of crap that I should have admittedly cleaned out years ago, BUT still! She had crammed three drawers worth of shit into one drawer. Good things, cherished vintage things, papers, notebooks, trash, colored pencils, CD's, sun glasses, toys, figurines. EVERYTHING in one heaping pile of shit. So, I angrily blasted my ipod to only semi-angry songs and slammed things around to make noise. I was fuming as I picked through the drawer trying to salvage poetry journals and diaries, collectibles, and scratched CD's/DVD's (including "The Notebook!!!!!!") NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I then basically dumped the entire 60lb drawer into a giant trash bag, lugged it downstairs and heaved it into the garage with the rest of the shit to leave for my mom to sort through. What next? Well, my mom and sister left the house and I continued to flip out, stomping up and down the stairs, folding clothes, stuffing them away, making new piles of laundry, and screaming- just screaming in my head. HOW/WHY/NO!/NO!/NONONONONONONNOONONO!!!!!
I then proceeded to find a ball of frozen cookie dough in the freezer and eat it by slicing it with a giant butcher knife.
Don't.touch.a.girl's.room.
I'll be more thankful and cheery tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Boil
I feel maybe I will rupture one of these days.
A text message from her sister apologizing for the way things have turned out made my eyes brew up some hot tears that I never let out. I guess it's not understanding- not being able to fully allow myself to understand the fact that I've lost, but I've also won. I can't bring myself to understand her transformation from one week to the next and that I've lost my best friend to the enemy: a boy. You guys don't know how strong the hold is, but it's not your fault. It's somewhat up to the woman to gain control of herself and still lead her normal life without jumping off the deep end.
I may just cry one of these moments, but I can't right now. There is too much to get done and too many things that are priority- paper things, word things, writing things, that will never leave me for an abusive boy. Maybe she'll come around, but until then I will continue my "thankful" lists and continue to try and stay positive. This is just a warning, that I might need to cry at some point.
A text message from her sister apologizing for the way things have turned out made my eyes brew up some hot tears that I never let out. I guess it's not understanding- not being able to fully allow myself to understand the fact that I've lost, but I've also won. I can't bring myself to understand her transformation from one week to the next and that I've lost my best friend to the enemy: a boy. You guys don't know how strong the hold is, but it's not your fault. It's somewhat up to the woman to gain control of herself and still lead her normal life without jumping off the deep end.
I may just cry one of these moments, but I can't right now. There is too much to get done and too many things that are priority- paper things, word things, writing things, that will never leave me for an abusive boy. Maybe she'll come around, but until then I will continue my "thankful" lists and continue to try and stay positive. This is just a warning, that I might need to cry at some point.
And the List Goes On
There's a lot I need to continue being thankful for in the midst of losing a best friend (I'm pretty sure, things could change) to her sleazy ex boyfriend, feeling torn between what's right and what actually feels rights, and a shit-load of homework and tests headed downstream in my direction.
71. breathing, being able to catch my breath when I feel a panic coming along.
72. leggings (to wear when I feel too bloated or too lazy to pull on the skinnys.)
73. "The One that Got Away" by Katy Perry
74. internet access
75. my delightfully friendly banker who is also quite good looking
76. $300 in cash hiding about (and found) my car.
77. small ponytails (UNITE!)
78. cucumbers drizzled with lemon juice & ground pepper
79. "Kitty" (our kitten) being awesome all the time despite her ailments
80. Knowing that I'm a little bit more realistic and down-to-earth than my English teacher
81. driving stick (never thought I'd say that)
82. having a mom who is a Crossfit coach so I can work out for freesies
83. cheap healthy food (no such thing)
84. good hair...but hardly ever
85. sheets that stay on the mattress and don't spring up and get me tangled in a mess of linens & blankets (where can I find those?)
86. When I drink something warm and can feel it in my ears on a "freezing" day.
87. "El Camino" album by The Black Keys (seriously SO good all the way through)
88. the barista at Starbucks with violet hair who shared her love with me for The Black Keys & Arctic Monkeys
89. leftover chocolate chips
90. the looks he gives
91. laughing at my own jokes when no one else will
92. time
93. imagining things that would be great if they happened and losing myself in those thoughts for however long I feel. (That is actually a leisurely activity if you think about it. Some people don't have time or can't)
94. helping people answer questions
95. itching an itch
96. cold & hot water
97. warm mugs
98. "Collide" by Howie Day
99. knowing where all the cop cars sit on the freeway so I can trick them by slowing at just the right second and then go back to being fun. (yet safe)
100. still having childhood fears of a boogeyman in my closet, thus checking it every night before bed.
101. wanting something so badly that it feels like I've grown another essential organ within me.
102. finishing a hard day/night's work.
103. spelling a hard word right on the first try
104. looking at another girl and not judging her, but thinking how pretty she really is.
105. not conforming for the sake of being liked.
106. my green Nike motorcycle jacket.
107. the thought of someday adopting and raising a child and that child growing up to be a great person
108. a plethora of mismatched rings on my fingers
109. not giving a shit when everyone else around me is freaking out about something very minimal.
110. Looking older than I actually am
111. breaking things and not knowing how I broke them and then realizing that it's sort of a talent.
112. freshly shaven armpits/legs
113. feeling like an adult
114. worrying about something and then calming myself down with logic and remembering (like assignments)
115. Argan oil
116.gin & tonics
117. that dress
118. packages
119. Kevin Bacon
120. Instagram
121. soft mints
122. wheat toast
123. "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?" by Mindy Kaling
124. "Like Crazy" coming to DVD in March
125. my great great great friends
71. breathing, being able to catch my breath when I feel a panic coming along.
72. leggings (to wear when I feel too bloated or too lazy to pull on the skinnys.)
73. "The One that Got Away" by Katy Perry
74. internet access
75. my delightfully friendly banker who is also quite good looking
76. $300 in cash hiding about (and found) my car.
77. small ponytails (UNITE!)
78. cucumbers drizzled with lemon juice & ground pepper
79. "Kitty" (our kitten) being awesome all the time despite her ailments
80. Knowing that I'm a little bit more realistic and down-to-earth than my English teacher
81. driving stick (never thought I'd say that)
82. having a mom who is a Crossfit coach so I can work out for freesies
83. cheap healthy food (no such thing)
84. good hair...but hardly ever
85. sheets that stay on the mattress and don't spring up and get me tangled in a mess of linens & blankets (where can I find those?)
86. When I drink something warm and can feel it in my ears on a "freezing" day.
87. "El Camino" album by The Black Keys (seriously SO good all the way through)
88. the barista at Starbucks with violet hair who shared her love with me for The Black Keys & Arctic Monkeys
89. leftover chocolate chips
90. the looks he gives
91. laughing at my own jokes when no one else will
92. time
93. imagining things that would be great if they happened and losing myself in those thoughts for however long I feel. (That is actually a leisurely activity if you think about it. Some people don't have time or can't)
94. helping people answer questions
95. itching an itch
96. cold & hot water
97. warm mugs
98. "Collide" by Howie Day
99. knowing where all the cop cars sit on the freeway so I can trick them by slowing at just the right second and then go back to being fun. (yet safe)
100. still having childhood fears of a boogeyman in my closet, thus checking it every night before bed.
101. wanting something so badly that it feels like I've grown another essential organ within me.
102. finishing a hard day/night's work.
103. spelling a hard word right on the first try
104. looking at another girl and not judging her, but thinking how pretty she really is.
105. not conforming for the sake of being liked.
106. my green Nike motorcycle jacket.
107. the thought of someday adopting and raising a child and that child growing up to be a great person
108. a plethora of mismatched rings on my fingers
109. not giving a shit when everyone else around me is freaking out about something very minimal.
110. Looking older than I actually am
111. breaking things and not knowing how I broke them and then realizing that it's sort of a talent.
112. freshly shaven armpits/legs
113. feeling like an adult
114. worrying about something and then calming myself down with logic and remembering (like assignments)
115. Argan oil
116.gin & tonics
117. that dress
118. packages
119. Kevin Bacon
120. Instagram
121. soft mints
122. wheat toast
123. "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?" by Mindy Kaling
124. "Like Crazy" coming to DVD in March
125. my great great great friends
Sunday, January 29, 2012
So, I'll Copy You Okay? :)
My friend is doing something along the lines of 1000 things she likes or that make her happy. I did 50 unintentionally yesterday, so I guess I'll keep going until I reach 1000. Maybe it'll be a list of 3 or maybe it'll be a list of 50 each day. Find the in between.
51. the big, black, faux, fur blanket that's on our couch which feels like an instant nap when wrapped around me.
52. knowing that I have the flashlight app on my iPhone to keep the boogeyman away.
53.thinking about helping people from around the world and doing a little bit through this website
54. the smell of a new car (ahem..Prius)
55. hearing old songs on the radio
56. a pack of new blank CD's
57. vintage glasses
58. cursing (YOU #$%*@!)
59. pedicures
60. cucumber slices with pepper and lemon juice
61. Epiduo
62. my slightly ridiculous poncho (it's so warm!)
63. methodically vacuuming the carpet
64. remembering good times
65. Thinking about moving to San Francisco with my cat in the near future
66. my grandma's sass
67. pie crust
68. clean clothes
69. pushing brightly colored buttons
70. cartilage piercings
51. the big, black, faux, fur blanket that's on our couch which feels like an instant nap when wrapped around me.
52. knowing that I have the flashlight app on my iPhone to keep the boogeyman away.
53.thinking about helping people from around the world and doing a little bit through this website
54. the smell of a new car (ahem..Prius)
55. hearing old songs on the radio
56. a pack of new blank CD's
57. vintage glasses
58. cursing (YOU #$%*@!)
59. pedicures
60. cucumber slices with pepper and lemon juice
61. Epiduo
62. my slightly ridiculous poncho (it's so warm!)
63. methodically vacuuming the carpet
64. remembering good times
65. Thinking about moving to San Francisco with my cat in the near future
66. my grandma's sass
67. pie crust
68. clean clothes
69. pushing brightly colored buttons
70. cartilage piercings
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Dreams
I immediately wanted to call her. He had brushed the remains of a whip cream explosion off of my face with his thumb and scolded the wielder of the can. In that moment I wanted to first, fall into his arms, and second, call her and tell her all about it. I'm a bit conflicted as what to do. Perhaps I can just listen to
"Collide" by Howie Day 600 times and let the words sear into my soul. (melodramatic)
I cringed when the topic of him moving away came up again because I realized that losing a presence such as his is what I've really been worried about all along... not all the other stuff. It's an easily mistaken relationship, but it's a good one nonetheless.
I had a dream last night that was exceptionally vivid- brilliantly terrifying and enriching. I went to Italy with some friends from work and traveled around the hot, bright, tinted stone city of...some place in Italy.I ate, rather drank, some Italian version of boba- always walking with someone nondescript, until I ran into him and then he was always there, around every corner, in every shop, every doorway. We were always close. He took me around and the last thing he mentioned doing, before I ended up on a private beach without him, was that we go explore the gas chamber from WWII used on concentration camp victims.
I was on a private beach with these guys and some older blonde woman. We got on a speed boat and I sat, clinging to the bow as they revved and ran the boat in fast choppy circles in the darkest shade of blue water I've ever seen. I remember fearing falling into the water and there being sharks that would swiftly eat me. I remember staring down at the water (no one else was around) and seeing the ocean as having a cut off line, like we were in a vast pool, a dangerous vast pool. Suddenly, the boat took a nose-dive and I panicked, throwing myself into the water. I was spun around and around under water by the boat. I looked up and realized I was drowning. I was drowning, I flailed, and struggled and woke up gasping for air. I then realized that as soon as he was no longer present in the dream, I drowned. Significant? I think so...
I've been taking a different approach to him in real life, but find it hardest to function and think clearly, have normal dreams, when he's not around and that is what I wanted to call her about, but she's too busy cheating and being cheated on.
Things I Like to Keep Me Okay
I feel like writing so I guess that's what I'll do.
There's nothing in particular I'd like to write about but here are a few things I like:
1. baking
2.Bon Iver's "Holocene"
3. Mustaches
4. Local Natives
5. Modcloth
6. Receiving written mail
7.Laughing
8.New clothes
9.Old clothes
10. brownies & milk
11. peppermint gum
12. peppermint tea
13. that one guy
14. boots
15. honey, cottage cheese, & sliced banana
16. colors
17. french fries
18. "Rugrats"
19. naps
20. new pictures
21. green nail polish
22. dresses & tights
23. good pens
24. hugs
25. room brightening smiles
26. big sweaters
27. games
28. orange popsicles
29. composing
30. quiet
31. messes
32. pancakes
33. Saturday nights
34. knitting
35. warm socks
36. Goyte's "Somebody I Used to Know"
37. concerts
38. big cities
39. grilled cheese & tomato soup
40. puppies
41. Urban Outfitters
42. gummy worms
43.Crazy Daisy (nostalgia)
44. stacked bracelets
45. nice people
46. hot showers
47. chapstick
48. spraying whipped cream
49. cartwheels
50. San Francisco
There's nothing in particular I'd like to write about but here are a few things I like:
1. baking
2.Bon Iver's "Holocene"
3. Mustaches
4. Local Natives
5. Modcloth
6. Receiving written mail
7.Laughing
8.New clothes
9.Old clothes
10. brownies & milk
11. peppermint gum
12. peppermint tea
13. that one guy
14. boots
15. honey, cottage cheese, & sliced banana
16. colors
17. french fries
18. "Rugrats"
19. naps
20. new pictures
21. green nail polish
22. dresses & tights
23. good pens
24. hugs
25. room brightening smiles
26. big sweaters
27. games
28. orange popsicles
29. composing
30. quiet
31. messes
32. pancakes
33. Saturday nights
34. knitting
35. warm socks
36. Goyte's "Somebody I Used to Know"
37. concerts
38. big cities
39. grilled cheese & tomato soup
40. puppies
41. Urban Outfitters
42. gummy worms
43.Crazy Daisy (nostalgia)
44. stacked bracelets
45. nice people
46. hot showers
47. chapstick
48. spraying whipped cream
49. cartwheels
50. San Francisco
Friday, January 27, 2012
Fate
Disappoint to defeat the fulfillment of (hopes, plans, etc.); thwart;frustrate
I'm a firm believer in fate, and this is not a recent feeling, but recently this idea was solidified within me and now...I believe full-time. Last night, had I left work one minute later, I would have missed catching my best friend in a lie. Had I left a minute later from work, their light would have turned green as I exited the freeway and I would have had no idea what was going on. The boy who hit her, cursed at her, messed with her head, and cheated on her was in the passenger seat of her car, and half way through my green light, looking over across the street, I saw the look of "ooooooh shit" play across her face. Her mom thought she was hanging out with me all night, and I thought she was with her boyfriend (yep, she's got one). Here's the other thing, I was supposed to be off work at 12am, but was let off an hour and a half earlier (very unusual), but had I been let off at my scheduled time, or even hung around, wiped the counters, gone to the bathroom, picked up a penny, tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, or taken my apron and name tag off, I would have missed them. This is fate my friends.
I notified her family who were the bolded definition above, and i have yet to reply to an "apology" text which I'm so sure is sincere. I baked cookies at 1am, which did wonders, and then I did kick boxing this morning and pretended that the kicking pads were her ex boyfriend's face. That felt good. I don't really know what's going to happen, there was a line crossed and I can't understand why someone as pretty, funny, intelligent, and witty as my best friend would demean herself, disappoint everyone, and give it all up for a guy as cruel and disgusting as the one I caught because of fate. Take that science.
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