Words

Yelling and screaming never helps. Even if you think it will, it won't. It jumbles up words that get strewn across the floor in an angry muddle of misshapen phrases and misunderstood mistakes. It's hard when the elders don't want things that you do. My mother cannot be convinced of the things that she does not understand. We fought to no ends, where running to my car never felt so good, so frantic. Where, my breathing picked up to a pace too rapid for my chest and my lungs until, bent over the couch, I could not form a thought.
   This morning was an email from my mother apologizing and explaining the choices she's made. How, she doesn't regret meeting my deadbeat father because he was the reason we get to be alive for her. How, she dropped out of college twice, was able to pick whatever school she wanted (due to my grandparent's financial security) and wasted the opportunity. She took something that her future daughter would die for and threw it away because of foolishness. I read the entire email that explained how she felt about our current financial insecurities, how she wishes she could do more, but there is nothing that that situation will be lenient on more than it already has. She said she wants me to be happy and she wants the world for me, but that I'm going to have to stick it out here for a little while longer. I wrote back: I told her how my life is not comprised of happiness as it should be and that it is in no way her fault. I explained that college isn't panning out to be for me. I told her how I'd rather be broke and playing the piano in the Den than sitting in another class. How, I've succumbed to a zombie-like existence of roaming around for some unknown sustenance.  How, I appreciate everything she's done, but something has got to give in order to get me on track.  Finally, we were honest with each other. Finally, I told her everything that has been pent up and she told me her views on our lives. I don't know if it will fix anything, but at least it's in the open, at least I know that there are somethings that she will never be able to go back on and the same goes for me. I know I need to try harder to get somewhere, but like I told her, I feel like there's something bigger meant for me that they can't teach me in school. It was just one of those nights.