To the Okays

I thought a moment like the one had over a vegetarian sandwich at a small corner table would bring me to tears. The realization that we're only ever going to be one way for a little longer and then I'll be left. I talked of how I've lost my best friend and how, even though her and I are going to "try to fix things" tomorrow night, that I will never be able to be the same with her again. I confessed that she accused us of cheating and he confessed that his girlfriend gets jealous and that we all need to hang out to prove our innocence.;) I felt almost freed from my emotional guilt, not that we've done anything, but I felt like we both put it all out on the table: There's nothing going on. It's okay, it made me feel like we both pushed a cement block out of the way and it felt good to promise that I would never do anything like cheat and that I'd never want his girlfriend to feel threatened or jealous. He seemed relieved by that and that made me feel secure in an odd way- thankful that we were having time to talk in a more serious manner. He understood everything I said and apologized for the unfortunate situation I'm in, but as he apologized, I felt like I had so much that I could burst. I lost a little, but it's like getting  $500  and accidentally dropping $20 on your way to the bank. It sucks, you wonder how you could be so thoughtless, but you still have $480 to be thankful for. (Who says I can't do math?) I felt okay, like we were okay officially- no unspoken boundaries that were very thin-lined with curiosity, and by the way both of our noses crinkled when the topic of us cheating with one another came up-well, it made me laugh. It made me laugh because I know the nose crinkles were phony, that we do have a little something that only the two of us share, but I could tell we were both trying to convince ourselves of something very minor.
At the same time, however, I do feel a little hollow with V-Day coming up, I can't help it. I feel a little bit anxious and ever since our host/my bud at work got a girlfriend despite his self-doubt and exclamation of un-attractiveness, I began to feel rushed, like I needed someone right there and then...but I don't. I have people, and my "significant other" that will someday come along is not here and I don't/won't dwell. on it- I can just find comfort in friendship.
As for tomorrow night, I'll leave work to talk things over with my best friend to see if we can fully express ourselves face to face. The way I see it, the story ends in a grim manner, but not entirely. ;) I'll still have my good-enough-for-me-ever-after.
182. friendship
183. new T-shirts
184. security
185. eye contact (sometimes)
186. truths
187. venting
188. being completely open and forgetting who you're talking to
189. sincerity
190. love.