Room Invasion of the Third Kind

Can I vent and be petty for a moment here before continuing the list tomorrow?? Okay: I vent.

Picture it: I get home from math class- where I also partook in a math test. That's not the worst part. I get home to see my mom who gently and kindly tells me that she has begun "fixing my room." I was surprised seeing as my room is a complete disaster area and usually, her entering the realm of India, would send her into a kanipchen fit. So, I relaxed, I rested on the couch, despite her asking me to please go up and "organize things" and that she had "put my clothes by the sliding glass door" because she "assumed they were dirty". After watching the latter half of Jennifer Lopez in "Enough" and taking a nap, I took two large trash bags with me to my room. Here's what it looked like:

Two large men with ski masks had ransacked my room and used sledge hammers to knock everything around in a maddened circle of thievery. In my head I was like Eddie Murphy in this clip:

It was NOT "fixing" my mother had done. My clothes, my clean clothes, were spilled out onto my dampened outside balcony in heaps. bras, underwear, shirts, socks, sweaters, jeans, WHITE LINENS, you name it! They were all cold and dampened in a sad newly soiled heap! I lost my shit, ladies and gentlemen. I lost.my.shit. I yelled like a fourteen year old down the stair at my mother trying to avoid curse words WHAT THE #$-WHO THE!!!?>??#$ WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU %$- WHO DOES THIS!!!!????? 
My mom tried defending herself, but I could hear it in her voice that she knew what she had done was low. Entering another woman's room and completely trashing it, despite any good intentions (I suspect there aren't any) doing this is a TERRIBLE idea. Personal journals and diaries were mixed in a drawer with loads of crap that I should have admittedly cleaned out years ago, BUT still! She had crammed three drawers worth of shit into one drawer. Good things, cherished vintage things, papers, notebooks, trash, colored pencils, CD's, sun glasses, toys, figurines. EVERYTHING in one heaping pile of shit. So, I angrily blasted my ipod to only semi-angry songs and slammed things around to make noise. I was fuming as I picked through the drawer trying to salvage poetry journals and diaries, collectibles, and scratched CD's/DVD's (including "The Notebook!!!!!!") NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I then basically dumped the entire 60lb drawer into a giant trash bag, lugged it downstairs and heaved it into the garage with the rest of the shit to leave for my mom to sort through. What next? Well, my mom and sister left the house and I continued to flip out, stomping up and down the stairs, folding clothes, stuffing them away, making new piles of laundry, and screaming- just screaming in my head. HOW/WHY/NO!/NO!/NONONONONONONNOONONO!!!!!
I then proceeded to find a ball of frozen cookie dough in the freezer and eat it by slicing it with a giant butcher knife.
Don't.touch.a.girl's.room.

I'll be more thankful and cheery tomorrow.

Boil

I feel maybe I will rupture one of these days.

A text message from her sister apologizing for the way things have turned out made my eyes brew up some hot tears that I never let out. I guess it's not understanding- not being able to fully allow myself to understand the fact that I've lost, but I've also won. I can't bring myself to understand her transformation from one week to the next and that I've lost my best friend to the enemy: a boy. You guys don't know how strong the hold is, but it's not your fault. It's somewhat up to the woman to gain control of herself and still lead her normal life without jumping off the deep end.
I may just cry one of these moments, but I can't right now. There is too much to get done and too many things that are priority- paper things, word things, writing things, that will never leave me for an abusive boy. Maybe she'll come around, but until then I will continue my "thankful" lists and continue to try and stay positive. This is just a warning, that I might need to cry at some point.

And the List Goes On

There's  a lot I need to continue being thankful for in the midst of losing a best friend (I'm pretty sure, things could change) to her sleazy ex boyfriend, feeling torn between what's right and what actually feels rights, and a shit-load of homework and tests headed downstream in my direction.

71. breathing, being able to catch my breath when I feel a panic coming along.
72. leggings (to wear when I feel too bloated or too lazy to pull on the skinnys.)
73. "The One that Got Away" by Katy Perry
74. internet access
75. my delightfully friendly banker who is also quite good looking
76. $300 in cash hiding about (and found)  my car.
77. small ponytails (UNITE!)
78. cucumbers drizzled with lemon juice & ground pepper
79. "Kitty" (our kitten) being awesome all the time despite her ailments
80. Knowing that I'm a little bit more realistic and down-to-earth than my English teacher
81. driving stick (never thought I'd say that)
82. having a mom who is a Crossfit coach so I can work out for freesies
83. cheap healthy food (no such thing)
84. good hair...but hardly ever
85. sheets that stay on the mattress and don't spring up and get me tangled in a mess of linens & blankets (where can I find those?)
86. When I drink something warm and can feel it in my ears on a "freezing" day.
87. "El Camino" album by The Black Keys (seriously SO good all the way through)
88. the barista at Starbucks with violet hair who shared her love with me for The Black Keys & Arctic Monkeys
89. leftover chocolate chips
90. the looks he gives
91. laughing at my own jokes when no one else will
92. time
93. imagining things that would be great if they happened and losing myself in those thoughts for however long I feel. (That is actually a leisurely activity if you think  about it. Some people don't have time or can't)
94. helping people answer questions
95. itching an itch
96. cold & hot water
97. warm mugs
98. "Collide" by Howie Day
99. knowing where all the cop cars sit on the freeway so I can trick them by slowing at just the right second and then go back to being fun. (yet safe)
100. still having childhood fears of a boogeyman in my closet, thus checking it every night before bed.
101. wanting something so badly that it feels like I've grown another essential organ within me.
102. finishing a hard day/night's work.
103. spelling a hard word right on the first try
104. looking at another girl and not judging her, but thinking how pretty she really is.
105. not conforming for the sake of being liked.
106. my green Nike motorcycle jacket.
107. the thought of someday adopting and raising a child and that child growing up to be a great person
108. a plethora of mismatched rings on my fingers
109. not giving a shit when everyone else around me is freaking out about something very minimal.
110. Looking older than I actually am
111. breaking things and not knowing how I broke them and then realizing that it's sort of a talent.
112. freshly shaven armpits/legs
113. feeling like an adult
114. worrying about something and then calming myself down with logic and remembering (like assignments)
115. Argan oil
116.gin & tonics
117. that dress
118. packages
119. Kevin Bacon
120. Instagram
121. soft mints
122. wheat toast
123. "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?" by Mindy Kaling
124. "Like Crazy" coming to DVD in March
125. my great great great friends

So, I'll Copy You Okay? :)

My friend is doing something along the lines of 1000 things she likes or that make her happy. I did 50 unintentionally yesterday, so I guess I'll keep going until I reach 1000. Maybe it'll  be a list of 3 or maybe it'll be a list of 50 each day. Find the in between.
51. the big, black, faux, fur blanket that's on our couch which feels like an instant nap when wrapped around me.
52. knowing that I have the flashlight app on my iPhone to keep the boogeyman away.
53.thinking about helping people from around the world and doing a little bit through this website
54. the smell of a new car (ahem..Prius)
55. hearing old songs on the radio
56. a pack of new blank CD's
57. vintage glasses
58. cursing (YOU #$%*@!)
59. pedicures
60. cucumber slices with pepper and lemon juice
61. Epiduo
62. my slightly ridiculous poncho (it's so warm!)
63. methodically vacuuming the carpet
64.  remembering good times
65. Thinking about moving to San Francisco with my cat in the near future
66. my grandma's sass
67. pie crust
68. clean clothes
69. pushing brightly colored buttons
70. cartilage piercings

Dreams

I immediately wanted to call her. He had brushed the remains of a whip cream explosion off of my face with his thumb and scolded the wielder of the can. In that moment I wanted to first, fall into his arms, and second, call her and tell her all about it. I'm a bit conflicted as what to do. Perhaps I can just listen to
"Collide" by Howie Day 600 times and let the words sear into my soul. (melodramatic)
I cringed when the topic of him moving away came up again because I realized that losing a presence such as his is what I've really been worried about all along... not all the other stuff. It's an easily mistaken relationship, but it's a good one nonetheless.

I had a dream last night that was exceptionally vivid- brilliantly terrifying and enriching. I went to Italy with some friends from work and traveled around the hot, bright, tinted stone city of...some place in Italy.I ate, rather drank, some Italian version of boba- always walking with someone nondescript, until I ran into him and then he was always there, around every corner, in every shop, every doorway. We were always close. He took me around and the last thing he mentioned doing, before I ended up on a private beach without him, was that we go explore the gas chamber from WWII used on concentration camp victims.
I was on a private beach with these guys and some older blonde woman. We got on a speed boat and I sat, clinging to the bow as they revved and ran the boat in fast choppy circles in the darkest shade of blue water I've ever seen. I remember fearing falling into the water and there being sharks that would swiftly eat me. I remember staring down at the water (no one else was around) and seeing the ocean as having a cut off line, like we were in a vast pool, a dangerous vast pool. Suddenly, the boat took a nose-dive and I panicked, throwing myself into the water. I was spun around and around under water by the boat. I looked up and realized I was drowning. I was drowning, I flailed, and struggled and woke up gasping for air. I then realized that as soon as he was no longer present in the dream, I drowned. Significant? I think so...
I've been taking a different approach to him in real life, but find it hardest to function and think clearly, have normal dreams, when he's not around and that is what I wanted to call her about, but she's too busy cheating and being cheated on.

Things I Like to Keep Me Okay

I feel like writing so I guess that's what I'll do.

There's nothing in particular I'd like to write about but here are a few things I like:

1. baking
2.Bon Iver's "Holocene"
3. Mustaches
4. Local Natives
5. Modcloth
6. Receiving written mail
7.Laughing
8.New clothes
9.Old clothes
10. brownies & milk
11. peppermint gum
12. peppermint tea
13. that one guy
14. boots
15. honey, cottage cheese, & sliced banana
16. colors
17. french fries
18. "Rugrats"
19. naps
20. new pictures
21. green nail polish
22. dresses & tights
23. good pens
24. hugs
25. room brightening smiles
26. big sweaters
27. games
28. orange popsicles
29. composing
30. quiet
31. messes
32. pancakes
33. Saturday nights
34. knitting
35. warm socks
36. Goyte's "Somebody I Used to Know"
37. concerts
38. big cities
39. grilled cheese & tomato soup
40. puppies
41. Urban Outfitters
42. gummy worms
43.Crazy Daisy (nostalgia)
44. stacked bracelets
45. nice people
46. hot showers
47. chapstick
48. spraying whipped cream
49. cartwheels
50. San Francisco

Fate

 Disappoint to defeat the fulfillment of (hopes, plans, etc.); thwart;frustrate 

I'm a firm believer in fate, and this is not a recent feeling, but recently this idea was solidified within me and now...I believe full-time. Last night, had I left work one minute later, I would have missed catching my best friend in a lie. Had I left a minute later from work, their light would have turned green as I exited the freeway and I would have had no idea what was going on. The boy who hit her, cursed at her, messed with her head, and cheated on her was in the passenger seat of her car, and half way through my green light, looking over across the street, I saw the look of "ooooooh shit" play across her face. Her mom thought she was hanging out with me all night, and I thought she was with her boyfriend (yep, she's got one). Here's the other thing, I was supposed to be off work at 12am, but was let off an hour and a half earlier (very unusual), but had I been let off at my scheduled time, or even hung around, wiped the counters, gone to the bathroom, picked up a penny, tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, or taken my apron and name tag off, I would have missed them. This is fate my friends. 

I notified her family who were the bolded definition above, and i have yet to reply to an "apology" text which I'm so sure is sincere. I baked cookies at 1am, which did wonders, and then I did kick boxing this morning and pretended that the kicking pads were her ex boyfriend's face. That felt good. I don't really know what's going to happen, there was a line crossed and I can't understand why someone as pretty, funny, intelligent, and witty as my best friend would demean herself, disappoint everyone, and give it all up for a guy as cruel and disgusting as the one I caught because of fate. Take that science. 

I See

Today, I got glasses.
I feel like it'll be a new me behind those frames, but what that "new me" is...i have no idea.

They're not all-the-time glasses, but they are use-me-when-you-drive-at-night-or-when-you're-in-class-or-whenever-you-feel-like-you-want-enhanced-vision glasses.

My new little buddies will be here in a week.

Articles of the Mind

Here's something positive:
I really really like my magazine journalism class. It's one of those "aaahhhh" moments when you feel you can sink into something that brings less anxiety than it does comfort and creativity. It's a rather small gathering of people ranging from pierced-lip punkers to preppy know-it-alls. Nevertheless, we somehow all manage to sit around a rectangular table with coffee cups in hand and throw around ideas about articles, page layout, and pitches.
Today I met a girl from Austria who is on visit for the year- she's eternally happy, but not in an annoying way, just in the positive vibes all over way. I can tell there is definitely a barrier between cultures that causes me to feel a bit uncomfortable when there are pauses between conversation, like Austrians speak on a string of conversation that ceases to stop, guided by multiple personal questions. She's lovely though, and doesn't emanate the certain vibe that most girls around her do. We talked about Austria and how they have free education there for all and that's why a lot of Germans are trying to immigrate. We got chai tea, walked on the rain-soaked asphalt, and tried to add each other on Facebook via iPhone to no avail.
I pitched my idea to the class on why facial hair in men (i.e. mustaches and beards) is a great trend that everyone should get in on. I expressed my odd love of the stache and how there's no end to its influence on our current culture. I love it...and my class loved it. There are a lot of friendly faces in this journalism world of mine, even the professor seems amused with the material.
Mostly, it makes me feel I have a purpose, like a professional. I go to this four hour night class and come out with a sense of purpose and here is my purpose for this week:
1. Solidify my article on facial hair with a **hopeful** email interview with the Sartorialist.
2. Write an article on thrifting vs. shopping in department stores, taking photos of compared outfits, and offering the lower and more reasonable price for the student on a budget.
Aside from worrying about math, love, essays, work, and money, journalism is finding it's comfortable place in my life just like I hoped it would.
Adieu

Greasy Thought Pot

It's 2:35 a.m. and this is when I have time to think about it.

It was 1:30 a.m. and I was in the kitchen at the diner blasting "Sun Hands" by Local Natives and thinking that it would make everything...for everyone better. I felt okay, zipping around, picking up plates, wiping the counter, punching in orders, and filling coffees, things felt okay. I didn't need Adele to sing my sweet woes to keep them at bay. Granted, there's a different vibe in the air, but this one isn't killing me like past ones have...and I guess that's why it scares me the most.
I'm calm, but there's tension in my neck and shoulders. I'm placid, but at random moments my stomach will jump and twist. I'm functioning, but exhaustion will sometimes creep up on me. It's a strange string of events. I feel like everything will be okay, that there's nothing to worry about and what will be, will be. I feel like a professional tight-rope walker, but there's still always the chance of one misstep and a tumble to the death. I keep asking myself why I'm so calm, why things are feeling okay when usually they'd be feeling out of control and depressing. I'm asking myself if there's something wrong, is there something wrong? No. 
Nothing wrong, I poke and prod at myself to make sure I'm still twitching with life- I listen to all the sad songs and then only desire to listen to the happy ones. Something happy for me is going to happen I think. I don't know what it is, and it will probably be completely random, but I feel something positive on the horizon. I've been putting theLaw of Attraction to work-keeping myself up when the odds want me down. I like it this way, I feel good things instead of bad, and the actions of others won't affect my being. I have control over what I will be like every day, so here's to thoughts that come at 2 am when I smell like a greasy spoon.

Things Fall

Perhaps something good will happen, but perhaps something won't. I'm not in a position to take control or complain if the train goes off track. Things fall apart and I'm semi-prepared to accept it and leave it alone.
Things might fall together-perhaps this is it with a bit of guilt sprinkled on top, but they say you know when you know...and I'm pretty sure I know.
Does the other?
Perhaps they do, but they are wrapped in a comfortable vintage fur blanket and so why would they face the cold uncertain? Why, when you have this and don't want to risk that? I'm going to have to go with the flow and separate myself from the part of me that wants to instigate and urge- there is nothing that is up to me anymore. This is now a one sided game involving an odd number.
You're right, this is something I'm going to have to deal with on my own and that no one else can predict or help me with. Just promise you'll be there when things fall apart.

Catch & Hold For As Long As You Can

It's getting harder to distract myself and to convince myself that there's a storm on the horizon. It's sitting on a sunny beach, looking out at the horizon and seeing full gray clouds, but assuming that they had already passed over my sunny place before I reached it. In fact, they're moving away quicker now, quicker now...right?
Someones fist is clenching my heart and squeezing, and then there's another someone cupping it ever so gently, almost protecting it-guarding it with fierce subtly. I ask myself how could I? in a manner of different endings: how could I not? how could I think this is possible? how could I even try? I can't take all the blame in being ten steps ahead of the crowd- or just the one. If my heart gets ripped from the hollow cavity in my chest I guess that's going to be the hit and run of a two person bandit. We are a bandit.
The sad thing is that I willingly offer it all up on a silver platter and expect that and more back in return, when in reality, I know that all I'll get back is a clay bowl of scalding hot soup dumped down my front. It's not imaginary, it's just excelled to someplace high in the clouds and the other person missed the flight- or did they?

This Is What I Think

www.thefancy.com

I'm in love with an idea.

An idea that taps me on the shoulder as it walks by without fail, an idea that gets every ounce of my humor, an idea that gnaws on my brain at night, suppresses my appetite, an idea that teases me, hugs me, makes me smile, an idea that sucker punches me in the gut with every misstep and mention of the other mind it's been in.
I tend to live in a world outside of reality when it comes to these kinds of ideas, because I don't want to know the truth about what I'm thinking-or what it's beginning to think. Perhaps it's because I've never been in love before, but I'm sure that I'm thinking, feeling, needing, wanting, knowing it now. It's not something that happens on the right side of the see-saw without happening on the other. It's not something I can mold out of play-doh and call it the name. I'm in the right place at the right time with the wrong ideas. Somehow I've managed to write a story out of the gray matter in my brain-it sits and I think about it-feeding it, keeping it strong, only to realize that this idea is feeding itself when I'm not able. Close as a kiss and distant as a middle school appropriated slow dance, I'm unable to determine the spark- should I turn my head to the left or right? Hands on shoulders or on the the lower back/ass?
Sometimes and often, I wonder if it is in fact, just me. Perhaps this idea doesn't think much of me at all like I think of it. Perhaps it is happy being a friendly thought without being a full-fledged idea. On the other hand, maybe this idea thinks something of itself that isn't 100% anymore and so it tests the water with my mind, the warmer one, the more inclined one.
I would go with it in a heartbeat, I would upset the balance in my life to go with it because this idea produces the three needs of a human being:
1. Air
2.Function
3.Purpose
This idea carries a cement block with it. It's laid upon me when the idea must go away so that I won't fly. It hurts my heart, suppresses air and makes me gasp for the feeling when it's gone. What will I do when it's gone? New ideas? New thoughts to burn in the dark at night?
I am in love with an idea.

Hoarders

I think I have a problem.
I feel that any day now A&E is going to call me and ask if I'm interested in participating in their hit show "Hoarders". I think I'm qualified and this is why:

* I can hardly see my blue? carpet
*No amount of hampers, closets, or dressers are enough to tame "the beast"
*There are clothes coming out of every surface sans the ceiling
*If I move clothes off their familiar spot on the floor, they become hopelessly lost
*I'm not sure how many sweaters I have
*At night, my hampers looks like a 7ft tall Yeti.
Needless to say, I have a shopping problem and I say this with little room for jokes. I am being literal.
Yesterday my friend and I went to PacSun to specifically visit the cute clerk, and since he wasn't there, I came out with a not-on-sale sweater and she came out with two shirts. The other day I went to Target, saw a green dress and without trying it on...I purchased it. I also came out with about $50 worth of underwear and bras. In order to comfortably accommodate our new/foster/permanent kitten, I was told to clean my room so that she would have more space to play...I told my mom that if she wants a clean space she'd better call for a dumpster because it's that kind of cleaning. She's calling the dumpster people today.
So yes A & E, I accept the offer if you will clean my room for my kitten's sake...also my car. Please.

Diner Done

It's round-about 3am and I just got home from work.

The last table I had kept me waiting on their drunk asses as one bleached strawberry blond girl in a too-tight sequin top told me how much she "appreciates" me in the typical drunk OC girl voice. All night it was busy and I'm pretty sure my sweater  is now more made of ice cream than of cotton. The hairs on my arms are plastered down with chocolate gunk, whipped cream crust, and overall dirt. I'm attractive in that way.

Somebody named "Chris" left me his number on the back of a dollar bill which I later paid the busboy with (unintentionally of course). I feel as if my whole body is one aching, sticky, sweat/sweet smelling cloud of diner. It's everywhere on my clothes which have been thrown into the laundry basket. My feet and shoulders ache and I've made plans to be up by 11am to meet with friends. I'm stoked, don't get me wrong, but I sometimes fear I'll collapse into a coma in the middle of some every day activity. What else did I do besides serve the masses?

I got an iPhone 4. That's right, not the one with the creepy woman robot inside...Siri? But the normal one...the one where "she's" not watching and waiting to answer my every request. Creepy ain't it? I bought it on somewhat of a whim to my mother's dismay (she's a droid fan) and am officially on the bandwagon of iPhoners. I never thought I'd be one of them, but here I am, eagerly awaiting its arrival at 3pm tomorrow! I was driven to drastic measures you see, for I have but the littlest of brothers of phones. He did me proud in the near two years I've had him, but it was time for an upgrade...and apparently smart phones are the only options these days.

Sleep well and shower in the morning,
 - I