Kite High

I'm beginning to see myself and that means I'm over thinking things. I got paranoid thinking that the two of us are putting on happy faced masks to get what we want no matter the cost. It's like watching a mother yell at her child- not in the act of yelling, but in that feeling of watching. You feel like you shouldn't be there witnessing it...like the mother should pull her child aside to scold him. Somehow you either:

1. Can't look away

2. Don't know where to look.

I'm more of the number two. It's something to get used to and something that I'll have to wait until I have it myself so that I'll understand it better. Sometimes it's like looking through the looking glass- like I'm a viewer, not a participant, not a member, but not necessarily in a bad way. I go a hot numb. Meanwhile, I'm wondering all these things like : holy shit I'm going to be 100% responsible for myself...can I do it?

What the hell am I going to do without my car? Can I sit there every night and do what number two says?Do I want to? Is this okay? weird? sustainable? I can see it flare up in small moments and that worries me for a couple of reasons. I can see it goes away and then I see it come back. I know too much and have said even more. Little things rack up and big things don't seem to exist. I don't need a reason for everything, but I do need to fill the silence sometimes. I'm breaking out with all this stress. My forehead is like a throw-back to early high school years when acne moved into the pubescent suburbia. I just got home from tea, political talk, and getting up high. I feel tired and I feel worried about life. I feel odd for making this decision and yet I feel the excitement that slightly overrides it. I feel exposed, inexperienced, and nervous. I feel apprehensive, jealous, needy, and overly stimulated. Please let it be fine. 

Adieu.