Drowning Bride

I wanted so badly to know:

how it felt to write without a thought, without a subject, without a pen.

I wanted to go somewhere that had light coming out of the darkness so that I'd have a direction.

There is no will call

Only role play. 

I saw how the flecks of porcelain moonlight colored the water and thought how nice it would be to go down deep and sink to my ankles and into my bones. 

What fish would try to save me?

What human would call my name with concern from the deck of a ship?

I wanted so badly to take up less space, to be a little green army man in the presence of giants and for my tummy to be taut and for bones to poke through my skin.

There wasn't an blip in the timeline of my heart, but there were curves and sharp spikes in it that broke through the screen.

This is me! Don't scream! This is me! Stop. Sit up and wait a little longer in the heat. 

I wanted so badly to wake up in the cool night and instead I found myself gasping and grasping for an unidentified human being made of rawhide and stuffing. 

Sometimes I see pictures and it sparks a cruel assemblage of acidic words to spill forth.

I didn't break hearts, I broke my own spirit and forged a signature made of flesh across my face for years while they went on to live in that light. 

The darkness was only nearby and so I stayed in the shade where neither here nor there could get to me. 

Perhaps some bolts have come out of my brain and so I was not  built like the rest.

I shorted red wires and green wires and pulled the blue ones out of my chest.

I noted things through the lines in my hands and wrote down side notes on my ribs to keep them a secret-

No one would look there.

Sometimes I wondered why these robots, these creations were so cold and I can't remember asking, speaking, or what I was told.

They're creations not creators and my mind paid the toll-

I begged not on my knees, but with my eyes for someone to come along and grasp at what was left of me.

I wanted so badly to love, I wanted so badly to be better at getting better and something was growing inside of me. 

I was drowning in my own fluids, choking up dust with traces of feeling.

I wanted so badly to be pulled up and handled with the fragility that went missing somewhere when I was thirteen.

I'd put rocks in my apron and walk into the waves until I reached where my feet began to tread and I'd shut the lights off in my head. 

Somewhere down there, deep in the water that burned in salt, I found a speck of light that lured me down.

I'm down in that light

And I want so badly to stay.

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