I stood by the counter and watched like through a window. I saw him flitting around and displaying what a male ape would: a showcase of his strength, humor, and territorial comfort.
I waited in my red dress as they finished their food and yearned for his hand to sweep over my lower back or a glance to pry me from my statue-esque stance. I wanted all of him all the time and it frightened me to think that perhaps I wanted him in the moment more than he has ever wanted me.
When it was time to move to a new setting, I realized it was time for me to visit with friends who have always been there for me and to leave the men to be with the men. We kissed and I walked back to my car and methodically drove back down the road from which I had come and from which I had driven a million times.
They were all there.
Watching the Olympics.
Not two words were exchanged between me and them.
I sat on the carpet.
Everyone talked like they always had for all the time I had known them.
I wanted to be home in bed.
I find it strange that somehow I have become addicted to my new routine, and guilty of said addiction. I used to jump on the chance to be with these people, I used to get in trouble for being out so late with them, but this night I realized that I had gone somewhat numb and that drinking, smoking, playing, kissing, laughing, touching, grilling, swimming, talking, touching, and sleeping had taken over my mental agenda.
Maybe it's just me...that's probably the most likely.
But maybe we're all changing, maybe these people who sat in front of the large television set watching the Olympics and talking amongst themselves had grown tired of my absence and so they decided that I should be considered absent even in my presence. I feel sorry for it. I feel guilty for always having plans with my significant other, except, I refuse to regret those moments. I refuse to be sad about being extraordinarily content. However, I do feel that I should come around more, that I shouldn't be a hypocrite to my own cries. Friends will be the ones there when the relationship is no longer. I should always remember that, but sometimes it's hard when things are going so well and things are so new and things are so promising. I will come around more, but I long for some sort of stimulation, a conversation.
Don't leave me on the carpet.
Touch me.
don't be sad or feel guilty. when i was in a relationship i blogged only once about him, and i would try as little as possible to talk about it, although it's hard not to talk about the person you love. and though it might have been mildly tiring for others, i regret not soaring with it
ReplyDeleteso be loud
thanks ashley you really are the best of them. :)
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