Identity

He's been away for three days and like a child I dwell on every second of absence. I can't lose my identity in this and so he told me to do what it was that I did before he came along: .........I worked. I had a job. I was packing to move away. I was visiting San Francisco and Berkeley. I was listening to sad lover's songs. I was playing with my friends (who now have intensive work schedules like I used to). I was daydreaming over chai lattes with my friend about when we'd lose our V- cards and who that guy would be, where we'd meet him, and what it'd be like. Whether or not he likes it, he's changed me because now I'm somewhat dependent on knowing he'll be there to sit with me and make me feel like I've got the golden ticket. I expressed how ridiculous I felt to him via text and how it'd only been two days and I was going nuts at home, I was longing to kiss him, I was longing to shove him against the washing machine and make-out with him. I never wanted to be dependent, but I can tell that I'm leaning on him and that's due to the falling that has occurred. I don't like the feeling of not knowing what to do with myself when he's not around because it makes me feel like I have in fact lost my identity, but I feel that it's because I was in the midst of changing my identity when he caught me. I had so many big plans and I had a dream that he was watching me eat spinach and I couldn't swallow it and it was stuck in my teeth and in my gums and I was choking and I couldn't fit the big bite in my mouth. I was gearing up to move away and somehow, like a mistaken trapeze artist, I fell into the big net at the bottom and accepted the grace of the fall. I'm happy to be here for this, to experience a different kind of love, to experience eager kisses, sex on the beach, tracing shapes, tickle fights, squirming beneath his muscular weight, slow motion undressing, being lifted onto my tippy toes, and adventuring to nowhere and being completely okay with everything. I don't know if San Francisco would have supplied me with those things, but I'm okay with not knowing. I'm okay with just being here, although, school is approaching rapidly and it's making me tired and annoyed already. I never missed the classroom setting and I'm beginning to panic due to my current status of being unemployed, but summer has been for playing this time. I've had so much playtime and I can worry about the rest when the sun goes down.

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