I Live

I cannot wait for the rest of my life. I have this inexplicable feeling in my gut that both keeps me up at night and comforts me when I begin to give up. It's the possibilities, the inspiration, the sheer need to live on. I find myself worried about money, fussing with finances, and crying over community college. The truth is, that  I have so far to go, so many things that I haven't even comprehended yet (good and bad). I can't wait to tip-toe around my own apartment in my socks, on the phone with someone special, while nibbling on the end of a chocolate bar. I can't wait to wake up in the morning and briskly jog down the steps and out into the city air, heading to my job. (whatever it may be) I can't wait for a friend to call me up asking if I'd like to join her and a group of friends at a local bar for some martinis and loud music.
Of course, wanting to rush off to these things will also bring the bills, the payments, the expenses, that my mother once handled. I've said before that I'm slowly easing myself into these things. Perhaps, I will trade my car in for a street-bike, and my unlimited texting into 500 a month. Perhaps the pasta dinners will dwindle to starbursts and chicken soup, but how exciting is that? How exciting to not know for once! To not wake up and say: "okay, I'll have my protein shake and head off to school, then I'll come home for lunch and do some homework" How exciting to go to the laundry mat and explore the city while waiting for the quarters to run out, to sit up at night and watch an old black and white film, and to not know if your bank account will sustain for the last payment. How exciting to lay next to another warm body, arm slung around waist. To feel the scruff of his unshaven morning face and to only be certain that he will be there when you come home from wherever the day leads you. To share, to love, to explore, to find, to worry, to know, to not know, to exaggerate, to live. I look forward to it all. It may scare me sometimes, but for the most part the thing that drives me through the day is the thought of living.