Thursday, August 25, 2011
Sincerity
I talked with a girl yesterday in my Biological Anthropology class who introduced herself right away. She turned swiftly to me and shook my hand, which startled me at first because no one had done this yet. I introduced myself and she said that we should become friends to fill any awkward space between us. As I listened to her talk, she spoke of how four boys had rushed to give her their numbers this week (it was Wednesday yesterday...the third day of the semester) and I realized I was only pretending to really hear what she said, I was only pretending to care about all the attention she was getting from the opposite sex, and it made me sad. I wanted to let a genuine smile flash across my face and nod in agreement that "she's not a slut, she's just being sociable and having fun in college" (which is what I actually said to her). We walked through the hallway during break and she talked about loving the fact that she knew no one and could start fresh and introduce herself to strangers. How I wish I possessed that quality. The point is that i really couldn't get into a sincere place with her. I find it hard to listen when people seriously talk about all the male attention they're getting and how everything is such a breeze. I sat in the back of the room because I'm shy, she sat in the back of the room so she can text. Everyone is too caught up in the superficial, the feeling of making "friends" is not so real and it's becoming a daily goal for me to get in and get out. Learn and go home, which is unfortunate, but how can I do anything else when that's what most people are doing? I'm looking at 2.5 years here and I'm thinking that I might lose my mind. I do blame myself really, for not being able to open up and try to care about what things the girl next to me, or the boy in class is saying. It's just wagging tongues to me and I wish I cared, but I'm on a hunt for sincerity and not mindless conversation. I'd like for someone to ask me something intelligent or to give a shit about plans instead of giving the programmed answers that spill over my lips and their lips as we pretend that we're getting to know each other in order to fill the "awkward space" between us.
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that sucks. while reading the beginning of this I was thinking "wow she sounds great!" - but don't lose hope. tip? saddleback might seem 'too close to home' but it's still a solid college with solid stereotypical college activities/options, including clubs - if saddleback is having a club fair or something try to get plugged in with a niche that suits your fancy, whether it be music, fashion, hiking club, honors club, or whatever. and something really cheesy i've learned to do is be thankful for something every day.
ReplyDeletelike you said, "don't be afraid to let people in" - i've become more propelled to be the one to start a conversation ("oh i love your hair, i've been meaning to cut it short like that for a while" or "wow i do not see the benefit of waking up to attend this seminar" or SOMETHING that makes me speak). there are gonna be people who rudely ignore you for whatever reason, but chances are there are others in the same boat as you, you just gotta find them (unless they come to you first). i'm done being cheesy. ragequit
thanks girl. I know I totes sound like a hippo-crit-apatamus, but I feel like starting over like you get to sounds redonkulously refreshing. Here, it's like: If I can't relate to anyone I just go home anyways and hang out with my dog. haha and where you are it's kinda like survival cuz you live there now. Idk, it's weird it's like I don't know how to be sincere with people either and I don't mean to sound pompous but the population of this place is so one-sided. The people at PS sound so cool and so down-to-earth, not something you can find easily here, as you may know. I just keep thinking that two years really won't be that bad and soon I'll settle myself in somewhere that has my name on it with people who know how and what to live by. I probably sound depressed, but I'm not. I'm just kinda..."in the waiting line" hahaa- P.S. I always get excited when I see comments from you!
ReplyDeletei always get excited when i stalk old posts I've commented on your blog in hopes of finding a response and seeing a response!
ReplyDeleteand guuuurl, there are a couple "typical washington white girl" (as one girl puts it) kinds on my floor, and my school has a football team (which is a COMPLETE joke), but they still think their dicks are sky high so i mean those people will unfortunately be inevitable. but they got their own anxieties and problems, though it's still annoying that their very existence (er..more the persistent need to show off their existence haha) happens to be a problem of ours. but it's okay! it's okay, you've got something i don't get at all: alone time. i've been craving it. not the alone time during which my roommate happens to be out and i have the dorm to myself for a little bit (cause the door can fly open any minute), but the legitimate kind of alone time. just relaxing at home in bed. writing all your thoughts. i'm sure if you take some 'alone time' to reflect or something at school, some other future friend may be doing the same. and bam you guys meet and have babies. maybe. haha anywayyyyyyyyy glad you're doing a lil better! your psych teacher sounds really really awesome! I'm excited to come home and see y'all. my floormates got their first whiff of the horrible side of ashley last night (i couldn't help it; someone started playing 'bohemian rhapsody') but thankfully they still seem willing to be my fwend heh :3
that "horrible side" of ashley was pretty much what made the San Francisco trip. All the songs we listened to (including Rhapsody) will never be listened to in the same way again. (in a good way) I always have brief flashbacks to the random fleeting dance rave we had in the hotel room when we flicked off the lights and danced to dubstep. One of my favorite moments. The majority of people in Washington sound stupendous and the few who aren't must be miserable at not keeping great company. Football players have teeny pee-pees so we shouldn't speak so harshly of them. ;) I'm sure I'll find the company i seek in good time, and if not: it'll be alright, because I don't plan to stay so I can picture my perfect and imperfect life for the future. <3 Your college posts keep me company more than anything, I love hearing about it all. :)
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