How It Felt

I remember the first, and so far, only time I had my heartbroken. I only write this now because as i was studying on my laptop "I Can't Take It" by Tegan and Sara came up on shuffle. At first I thought, "wow I haven't listened to this song in a while", but then I realized it was for a good reason. He was a friend of a friend and I fell for him immediately. We hung out a lot, I went to his house a lot, and we went out a lot. But, it was only for one specific reason: he liked my best friend who was the reason I'd met  him in the first place. She'd promised to help me get in good with him and like a silly child, I believed her. Her "wingman" duties turned into flirtatious behavior which entertained ideas in his head that didn't involve me. I was told over the phone (I'd demanded it) and I remember not being able to stand. I hung up and wandered into my room where i collapsed against the sliding glass door and a sensation of uncontrollable grief came over me. I'd never felt it before. I went to her house and talked it over with her and cried the whole time (something I'm not prone to do in front of other people) I lied and said I was happy that he'd taken interest in her because he "is such a good guy." I fell asleep mid conversation on her couch because I'd been so exhausted by the influx of emotions. After that I wouldn't go out, I ate very little, and I couldn't sleep due to a physical pain in my stomach. Like a black hole sucking everything in on itself. I cried out of nowhere all the time, and I remember getting back from her house and collapsing on my bedroom floor crying until I couldn't breath, forming a tight human ball on the floor. Tegan and Sara sang me through it on repeat for hours. I've never felt like that ever since. I've experienced rejection since then, but that was definition heart break .That was a double whammy and that was the only time thus far in my young life that I put my entire heart on the line. I'd given everything to see us together. I did stupid rebellious things and lied to my mom just to get this boy. Lesson learned. The real kind of love, the reciprocating kind, is worth waiting for, I know it. It'll be worth that unbearable and unforgettable summer where my heart was dragged across hot pavement and spit upon. It was a lesson that every girl learns and although it hurts more than anything in a young teen's life, it only proves its point in the end. There is better out there, there is someone who will end up loving you enough to cover up the scars.