New Eyes

I've felt like crying all morning and there's no real purpose for this lump in my throat. Everything on TV seemed sad and my body wants so badly to rest. I've been staying out late and waking up before the sun, so I suppose my emotional imbalance could have something to do with that. I sat at the beach by myself for a while yesterday evening with my guitar (pretending to know how to play ;) and it was so peaceful. I had thoughts and I sent thoughts away. At some points I don't think I thought anything at all, I was just sitting so close to the ocean and it was quietly darkening. My friends showed up one by one, and as we talked, I realized what a level head I have on my shoulders. There was a party that I wasn't invited to, but the stories give me a clear enough picture. Teens drinking, drinking, daring each other to drink, playing drinking games, driving after drinking, laughing at those who were drunk. It didn't appeal to me and we discussed it and disagreed, but it was good because I realized what morals I have solidified into my mental carving. Case in point: I would drink with my small group of close friends if we were all sitting around chatting and not planning on going anywhere after the deed had been done. I'm only eighteen, I don't see the fun in going to a party where everyone is getting hammered because everyone else is doing it. I don't believe in that kind of thing. Admittedly I follow the crowd in some cases, because I'm not 100% comfortable with myself yet and I'm definitely not very outgoing, but certain things (like drinking and drugs) I'd never do just because a dozen random strangers at a party are doing it. Sometimes I just want to help my friends see how I do, but that's not really my job is it? I mean, I'm really not sure. I love helping them and seeing them do great things, but sometimes I'm not sure how far to press a point. I am proud of myself, however, I like that I'm growing up sturdy, for now, and I expect to break at some point. Everyone gets broken at some point, and then they can build themselves back up as a new person with more understanding. For now, I'm sturdy and excited for the future.