Today was a day of crying. My mascara ran into my skin and my body rocked itself from the inside out. I hate crying because I never know what it means. New thoughts spring into my head and drown one another out until my head runs rampant with angry thoughts. It wasn't because of the concert that I was told "absolutely not" to. It was the argument...another argument. We don't hear each others' voices, we hear our own and the strain in our throats. Drunken minds speak the truth, but I find this holds true for saddened minds, frustrated minds, exasperated minds. Sometimes I feel I'm talking to a big looming wall that casts a shadow that covers all specks of light and nothing will break its barrier.
I thought about running away from it so I got myself dressed and dug out shoes. battery acid. My only pair of "upstairs" shoes had been burned by battery acid and crumbled to rubber bits at the touch of my quavering foot. So I went without. I stood on the edge of the balcony, shakily lowering myself down until I stopped and couldn't go. couldn't move, couldn't think of who would sit with me, couldn't go. Like paralysis. I felt bad for the things I'd said and sat out until the sky dimmed, dimmed, darkened. We need so desperately to listen to one another more. We need to stop assuming our own ideas are the absolute and just listen. If I were a rich king I'd go and do and go and do and go go go, but I'm not. I need to listen and gain what I can and help other's (my mother) to understand that I'm not a delicate shell. I cannot be protected forever, and I must experience to learn life's incredible and formidable plan. I don't like hurting people I love, but I'm so stuck inside myself that things can only be held at bay for so long, otherwise I'll end up jumping out of my skin and losing my marbles. There's gotta be an easier way to experience, live, discover, find, enlighten, inspire...etc. Just listen.
No comments:
Post a Comment