I had a heart-to-heart with a friend tonight. Quite unexpectedly actually. I ended up talking about things that I may not have said out right to others. We talked about things that were seemingly spilling uncontrollably over and out of our lips. Talking, telling, saying,and declaring things that had been kept in for awhile, waiting for a random moment to explode. I talked about how I've hypothesized that I've lost the ability to care about what other people say (in conversation, out loud, to inform, to make friends, to explain, etc..) I said that I feel I haven't actually cared for awhile and that I'm tired of trying so hard. I admitted to simply trying in high school, always trying to impress and to leave my mark on people and I'd stress over their reactions. I tried until I wore myself out dry. We expressed things to each other about how we're doing and how we're not doing. How neither of us understand why people want to talk to us at all (we're really quiet) and how I don't believe we're meant to meet people until we're older. Sure we have our solid friends now, but that should be it for awhile. I feel like we make good friends, keep them, and then add to them, but only when we reach the next level. We understood each other, like a new awakening and a sigh of relief was always just a talk in the car away. I spilled the entire can of beans on why I've built a wall and why I won't let anyone else in and we sat in silence sometimes before the other would pick up with a new thought. It'd be cliche to say that a weight has been lifted off of my chest, but I feel light again. I've been holding it in for some time now, but I think I just needed a release (could have been anything like a wall, a cardboard box, or a friend) I was asked what I'm looking for in people and why I won't give them a chance and I said that I feel like I've set myself up too high. I've expected too much from people and I'm too damn stubborn to lower myself to the wagging of tongues that blab on about this and that. I won't let go of the expectations I've got, because then I'll have nothing. I declared all about how I want to meet people who want to talk about books and then be silly all over again, not the ones who are easy to find and like to smoke pot. The real point is that I've finally been heard for the first time in a while, I've been able to unload. What's funny is that in the midst of saying that I've lost the ability to care about what others say, I realized that I care deeply and painfully about what these people I love have got to say because they're a lot of what I've got and I won't let it go.